Buckling Under the Load
by charli911
Summary: When several major changes happen in Matt's life, can you handle the stress? Will his father and brother support him? Rated M for domestic violence scenes.
1. Chapter 1

**_BUCKLING UNDER THE LOAD_**

BY CHARLI

The original characters of High Mountain Rangers belong to Robert Conrad and A. Shane Company with Sibling Rivalries. I only borrow them here and no profit is being made.

Thanks to the writers, producers, actors and crew for bringing them to life for all of us.

A/N: This story was meant to be a prequel to my story "I'll Be Home For Christmas". During the midst of writing it, it changed from what it had originally planned to be. Therefore, some changes needed to be made to "I'll Be Home For Christmas". I have included that short story here as an epilogue to this story. I hope you all enjoy.

Rating-I'm giving this an R rating, just for the cussing and mentions of adult situations. Nothing graphic.

/

**_CHAPER 1_**

South Tahoe Elementary School

"Matt, thanks so much for talking to our class for Career Day. Several of our kids are interested in Law Enforcement careers, and they need to know that options like the High Mountain Rangers are available to them, as well as the other Police Agencies."

Matt Hawkes, Commander of the Rangers, smiled and shook the hand of the teacher, Michael Cantbury. "Glad we could make it this year, Mike. Like I was telling the kids, our main emphasis is the Search and Rescue part of our job, but since we also have Law Enforcement training, and are federally funded, that makes us the top police agency in the area. Although we generally keep our policing confined to the mountain and leave the town and highways to other agencies better equipped to handle it."

The two men had once been classmates, walking the halls of this very school and in the nearby High School. Cantbury had also left town to go to college, but like Matt, he'd realized he missed the mountain and could use his teaching degree in Tahoe as easily as any place else. When Matt returned and became a member of the Rangers, he had rescued Mike's sister from a fall while rock climbing. When he stopped by the hospital to check on her so that he could complete his report, Mike had been there and the two men had renewed their friendship.

"Ranger Hawkes?"

Both men turned to see a young boy hesitantly standing nearby.

"Hi. You're Thomas, right?"

A grin spread across the boy's face at the fact that Matt had remembered his name. "Yes, sir."

Matt went down to one knee, knowing that his height often intimidated children. "What can I do for you, buddy?"

"Do you really think any of us could be a Ranger?"

"Sure, anyone can do the job with the right training. You gonna grow up and take over for me someday?" he asked with a grin.

"I'd like that!"

"Me too. By the time you're old enough, I'll be getting close to retirement. I'll need someone to take over for me."

"Will you come back and visit us again, Ranger Hawkes?"

"I'd like that. And you can call me Matt."

"I'd like that too, Ranger...Matt." Hearing the other kids outside, he glanced out the window. "I better go. See ya, Matt."

"Bye, Thomas."

The boy stopped. "You can call me Tommy."

"Ok. Tommy."

"Bye!" Tommy ran toward the door, then turned around. "Thanks, Matt. Your talk was cool." Then he ran out the door to join his friends at recess.

Matt moved back to his feet and turned to find a look of surprise on Mike's face.

"What?" Matt asked.

"You still have the touch, Hawkes."

"What do you mean?"

"Those are the most words Thomas has said since I got him in my class. He's generally really shy around people, especially tall males like yourself."

Matt glanced back at the door the boy had just exited out of and frowned. "Abused?" he asked quietly.

"Likely, though not here. He and his mom just moved here from Las Vegas. Mom doesn't like people prying into their business, but the scuttlebutt is that she left an abusive husband. So either he saw her get abused or he was a victim too."

"Bastard!" Matt commented about any man who would abuse their own family.

"Yeah. We have a few kids like that here, but not many, thank God." Mike smiled. "He really opened up to you. I'm glad to see it. I hope it's a turning point for him."

"Can't be easy going through all that and starting a new school too, at his age." He glanced at his watch. "Look, I really have to go."

"I'll walk you out."

Matt picked up a large plastic tub that held the give-away items the Rangers used whenever they did talks at schools and other groups, then followed Mike to the parking lot. They said their goodbyes as Matt climbed into the Ranger Blazer.

"Matt, thanks again for coming."

"Anytime. Let me know if I can ever help with anything else."

"I will."

The Ranger slipped the truck into gear and drove out of the parking lot, waving to a group of kids nearby as he left.

/

"Morning, Handsome." Matt turned to find his fiancée and fellow Ranger, Robin Kelly, standing in the doorway of the station kitchen. He smiled.

"Hey," he said, moving over to give her a quick kiss.

"I missed you this morning."

"Sorry. It was pretty early when I left this morning, thought I'd let you sleep in. I had to come back to the station to pick up some stuff before I went to the school."

"How did the kiddie talk go?"

"Fine. I like the younger kids. They seem to get more excited about it. The high school kids just seem bored with it."

"Cutler and Frank said they had some possible candidates from this year's class though."

"Yeah. We'll see if they still feel that way in two years, when they graduate. One of them was born and raised here, so is used to the mountains. The other is a city boy, but seems to have a good background in hiking and spelunking, so who knows." He grinned at the attractive blond beside him.

They'd worked together for several years before they started dating, mostly because Matt didn't want any relationship to affect his job. And once he took over as Commander, after the death of Merlin Pierce, he was even more leery, not wanting to deal with any issue that would come up since he was her superior.

But, inevitably, his heart decided it didn't want to wait anymore. They were careful to keep any displays of affection to a minimum while on the job and managed to keep their private life separate from their professional one.

"Matt! Your mom's on the line," Izzy called from the main room.

"Be right there!"

"How's Jackie doing?" Robin asked, as they walked together toward Matt's office.

"She's always tired. The doctor has been running some tests on her. She's supposed to get the results back in the next couple of days."

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Robin said encouragingly.

"I hope so," Matt said as he went into his office and closed the door.

Robin joined the others while they waited for Matt to give them their orders for the day.

Ten minutes later, Matt stuck his head out of his office. "Tim." When Hart looked up, Matt gestured for him to join him in the office. A couple of minutes after that, Matt left and Hart joined the other Rangers.

"Matt has some personal business to attend to, so he asked me to take over this morning. Frank, are you still doing maintenance on the bird?"

"Never-ending. But it shouldn't take more than an hour this morning."

"Once you're done, help Jim with the dirt bikes. Robin, you're with me this morning. Matt wants a check on the Tiek Canyon foot bridge."

Robin nodded. "Matt say where he's going? Is it his Mom?"

Hart shrugged. "He didn't say, but I assume so since he was just talking to her. He'll likely be gone most of the morning."

Everyone headed out to begin their chores. Izzy Flowers watched them leave and sighed. The way things were going, he'd forever be stuck monitoring the radio and brewing barely drinkable coffee.

/

Matt pulled up in front of his mother's house and saw her pull the door closed behind her and walk toward the street. She climbed into his truck and turned worried eyes toward her son.

"Thanks, Matt. I really didn't want to go see the doctor alone."

"It's okay, Mom. I'm sure it's good news," he said, trying to get a smile out of her.

"I don't know. If it was good news, I don't think he'd want me to come in to the office. He would have just told me over the phone."

"You know Doctor Connors. He likes to see his patients in person."

"Maybe." She turned her head to look out the window, but not before Matt saw the worried look in her eyes. He reached over and squeezed her hand, then pulled back onto the street.

/

"...thought it might just be all those long, graveyard shifts catching up with you, Jackie. But I'm afraid it's a bit more serious than that." They were in the office of Doctor Richard Connors, who had been the Hawkes family doctor since Matt was an infant. Although Dr. Connors was nearing seventy, he still practiced several days a week and Jackie had refused to be treated by anyone else at his office.

Matt glanced at his mother and could see the fear in her eyes as she turned toward him. He reached out and took her hand. She nodded and turned back to the doctor.

"What is it?"

"Tuberculosis."

She gasped and raised a hand to her mouth. "Oh my God! That's..."

The doctor stood up and moved around his desk, grabbing another chair along the way. He set it down on the other side of Jackie, turned to face them both. Then he sat down and placed a hand on her arm.

"Jackie, science has come a long way. Tuberculosis is no longer a guaranteed death sentence. Now, it's gonna be a fight, I won't lie to you. We haven't caught it as early as I would have liked. But we'll begin treatments right away and see how you do." He turned to Matt. "You'll need to be tested too, as well as anyone Jackie has been in close contact with." Looking back to Jackie, he smiled. "I'll need to contact the health department. With your job at the casino..."

She shook her head. "I haven't worked there for over six months."

"I didn't realize that. Well, then that narrows down the list some. You'll need to tell me of anyone you've had regular contact with in the last two months. What about Jesse and Cody?"

Matt shook his head. "They haven't been down off the mountain since Christmas," he said.

"Good, then we won't need to test them."

"Mom, what about Marge and Scott?"

She just nodded, shocked at the diagnosis. She felt the tears well up in her eyes. "Are you sure, Doctor?"

"I had them triple check it, just to be sure. I'm sorry, Jackie. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. We'll start treatments right away. I'd like to admit you to the hospital. But you'll need to go down to Sacramento. Barton Memorial is too small to be able to handle the treatments you'll need."

"When?" she asked, so softly both men had to strain to hear her.

"Today. The sooner the better."

She slumped against her son's chest. Matt wrapped his arms around her and just held her for several minutes. When she lifted her head, the tears were evident.

She shook her head. "I don't work anymore. How am I supposed to afford this treatment?"

"Mom, we'll worry about that later. Let's get the treatment started first and then we'll discuss the money. You know Dad will help, and Grandma and Grandpa."

"No! I don't want your father or Cody to know!" she insisted.

"How am I supposed to keep something like that from them?" he asked, incredulously. "You know they'll be down off that mountain in the few weeks. And they always come by to see you."

"Tell them I moved to Sacramento."

"Mom. Dad will never buy that."

"I don't want them to know, Matthew."

He sighed and nodded, not wanting to upset her any more than she already was. "Alright. For now, I won't say anything. But you know he won't settle for that."

She turned back to face the doctor. "Doctor Connors, this treatment, will I have to stay in the hospital or can it be done at home?"

"For the first part of the treatment, you'll be hospitalized. Depending on how well you react, it could be up to a month. After that the treatment can be done at home. But Jackie, I'm gonna have to insist that you not live alone. You'll be weak."

"Mom, you know I'll..."

"No, Matt. You can't leave your job." Matt could see her mind working. Now that she was over the initial shock, she was mulling over her options. He knew she'd made a decision when she turned back to the doctor.

"My parents live in Tempe, Arizona. They have a large house and a housekeeper. Plus my mother doesn't work."

"I'll check into the local hospitals there. Do you want to begin your treatments there, or start here in Sacramento and then head to Tempe when the initial treatments are finished?"

"You're just gonna leave?" Matt interrupted.

Jackie looked at her son and placed her hand on his cheek. "I can't do this alone, honey. Mom and Dad will be able to help, both financially and with the home treatments. I can't ask you to come to Sacramento, you have a job to do here. You know Mom is home all day anyway, and Lisa is always complaining that Mom never gives her enough to do around the house. I'll call them when I get home."

"Matt," Connors intervened. "Actually, I think the dry climate in Arizona might work in your mother's favor. And the lower altitude will make it easier for her to breathe. I think it's a good idea. I realize that it will be difficult for you with her so far away, but we have to think of what's best for your mom."

Matt stared into the doctor's eyes for a long moment before turning to his mother again. "I don't want you to go," he said quietly. "But I do want what you to get the best care possible."

Doctor Connors smiled. "I'll go make some calls. Why don't you use the phone on my desk and contact your parents. Let them know what's going on."

Jackie nodded but didn't move until the doctor left the office. She gave out a heavy sigh before she went to stand up, but her knees wouldn't hold her and she slumped back down into the chair. Matt caught her and pulled her close.

"You want me to call them?" he asked. When she just nodded in reply, he reached over and pulled the phone toward their side of the desk. With her reciting the number, he punched it in and waited for the call to go through.

"Lisa? Hi, it's Matt Hawkes. Are my Grandparents there?...Yes, I'll wait..." Jackie settled against his shoulder and he rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "Grandpa! Well, hello to you too...I'm doing fine...yes, still in Tahoe..." He smiled. "Yes, sir. I'm very happy with my job...No, haven't seen them yet, they haven't made it down yet this spring...Actually, I'm with Mom now, that's why we called...I'm afraid it's not just a social call, Grandpa...No...Yes, well you see, Mom hasn't been feeling well...yes, in fact we're calling from the doctor's office...Yes, she's pretty sick...Doctor said it's tuberculosis...I know...Grandpa, I know, but the doctor says it can be treated nowadays...I know."

Matt pulled his mother close and leaned his head against hers. "That's the thing, Grandpa. They can't treat it in Tahoe, she'd have to go to Sacramento..." He smiled at his Grandfather's response. "She was hoping you'd feel that way...The Doctor is doing that now...what hospital?...okay...yes, she's right here...why don't I give her the phone and I'll go find the doctor and give him this information...okay...I love you too, Grandpa..." Matt handed the phone to his mother and kissed her on the cheek.

"I'm going to go find the doc. Grandpa gave me his doctor's name and what hospital he's at. He wants Doctor Connors to fax all the information to him."

Jackie nodded and pulled the phone to her ear. "Dad? Oh, Daddy..."

Matt glanced back at his mother and felt the tears stinging his eyes. He hoped the doctor was right and that this could be treated. He wasn't ready to lose his mother just yet.

/


	2. Chapter 2

**_CHAPTER 2_**

"...can't ask me to do that, please." Matt pleaded. "Mom, no. You have to tell them...I know, but...how am I supposed to do that?" With the phone still up to his ear, he closed the door to his office and sunk down in the chair behind his desk. "Mom, they plan to be down here this weekend. What am I supposed to say to them?"

He'd been having this argument with his mother for almost two months. She had been settled at her parents' house in Tempe for a nearly a month, after several weeks of treatment at the Tempe hospital. But she still refused to let him tell anyone the reason why, including her ex-husband or, more importantly, her youngest son. She had sworn Matt to secrecy, making him promise not to tell anyone. She had even insisted that he not mention her illness to Robin.

"Do you realize how hard this is for me?...Yes, I know that...I do understand, but...yes, I know I promised, but...fine, alright," he said, frustrated at his mother's continued stance. "But, Mom, you know I can't lie to Dad. I'll give him the basics, but if asks me point blank, I won't lie. I have never lied to either of you and I won't start now...yes..okay, I will...I took the weekend off so I can get everything packed...Yes, Mom...I love you, too."

He slowly dropped the phone back onto the desk and sighed. He rubbed his hands across his face. He knew the reasoning behind not wanting to tell everyone about her situation. But keeping his mother's secret was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Especially with his father, who could read both of his sons like a book. Jesse Hawkes always knew when either of them was trying to hide something from him and would push until that son spilled everything.

Matt knew that he couldn't avoid his dad or his brother for long. In fact, he had heard from his father just the day before. Jesse had mentioned that it looked like he and Cody would be able to get to Tahoe in a few days. As usual, they had kept in contact via the radio over the winter and Matt always looked forward to seeing them in person. This time, however, would prove to be difficult.

A knock on the door caused him to look up. Robin slid through the door and closed it again behind her. She moved around to his side of the desk. He pushed his chair back and she settled on the desk in front of him, her long legs straddling his chair.

"So, how's your mom?" she asked, as he rolled his chair forward again and rested his head on her lap, wrapping his arms around her slender waist.

"She's doing okay, I guess."

"She still doesn't want you to say anything, does she?"

Matt shook his head. "I'm sorry, Robin. I really could use someone to talk to about this, but I promised her..."

"Shhh. It's okay, sweetheart. I know how much you value your word. It's not important that I know exactly what her treatments are for. As long as she's doing well."

"She's been through the hospital treatments. She at home with her parents now and they hired a private nurse to help her."

"Your mom is a lucky woman." Matt raised his head and looked at her inquiringly. "First, she has a great son," she said, smiling at him and kissing his lips. "Plus, her parents are well-off enough to help her with her medical expenses."

Matt nodded. "Yeah. I'm glad for that too. The treatments are pretty expensive. I talked to Grandpa about it a couple nights ago. You know Mom hasn't been able to work for quite a while. Grandpa put her back on his medical insurance. She's back to being his dependent again. Not sure she's too happy about that. She's been pretty independent since she was eighteen. But, right now, she's so sick, I guess she's just not up to arguing about it."

"Are you going out there to see her?'

"Yeah, end of the month. Although I would love to go this weekend. Dad and Cody are coming down day after tomorrow. I am not looking forward to them finding out Mom is gone."

He leaned back in his chair, moving his hands to rub up and down Robin's legs.

"Big, bad Ranger afraid of Daddy and little brother?" she teased.

He groaned. "At first, Mom wanted me to tell them that she went to Tempe just for a long visit. But now, she's decided to stay there. She's not coming back to Tahoe. She wants me to pack up her things and bring them out. She plans to sell the house."

"That's kind of sudden, isn't it?" she asked.

"Yeah. I have this awful feeling that she found out that her health is worse than they first thought and she just doesn't want to tell me," he replied softly, afraid if he said it too loudly, it would be true.

"Oh, Matt," Robin said, sliding off the desk to straddle his lap. He pulled her close, grateful for the care and warmth she was showing him.

"I'm gonna take some vacation time at the end of the month and drive out there. She took a lot of her clothes with her. She wants me to donate all of her winter clothes, since she won't be needing them anymore. The rest is knickknacks and photos. She's never been much of a pack rat. Guess that came from living in that tiny cabin in the mountains. I should be able to fit everything in the back of my truck."

"You want some company?"

"Thanks, I would love to have you come along. But, the station can't afford for both of us to be gone. It's liable to be busy with spring coming so early this year. But I am going to miss you."

He pulled her in for a long kiss before being interrupted by another knock on the door.

Robin slid off of his lap and moved to a chair.

"Come in," he called.

The door was opened and Izzy poked his head in. "Everybody decent?" he joked.

Robin laughed. "Why, looking for a peep show?"

He stammered. "Ah, ah, no. Ah, sorry. Ah, M-Matt, your Dad's on the radio."

"I'll be right there?" Matt said before Izzy quickly backed out of the room.

Matt stood up and walked over to where Robin sat. He placed his hands on the arms of the chair and leaned in to give her a kiss. "You're bad, woman. You're gonna give the poor guy a complex."

"I try my best," she smirked. "Give my love to Jesse."

He briefly closed his eyes and shook his head. "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells."

Robin grabbed his collar and pulled him closed, giving him a soft peck on the lips. "Go get 'em, Tiger. Don't let the big bad mountain man get the best of you."

"Easier said than done," he whined, pulling her out of her chair. "Shouldn't you be working on something?"

"I was...until Izzy interrupted us." She laughed and scooted away from his playful slap.

Matt walked out of his office and over to the radio, picking up the mic. He took a deep breath, then said, "Hey, Dad. You ready to quit playing in the snow...?"

/

Matt was just driving into the parking lot when he saw his father's old pickup heading that way from the other direction. He parked and climbed out of his vehicle, then waited until his father parked. He smiled as his little brother pushed open his door, barely waiting for the truck to stop.

"Matt!" The fifteen-year-old raced toward his brother. Matt braced as Cody launched himself at his big brother. Matt grunted from the impact, but welcomed the younger boy's arms around him.

"Damn, Toad, what has Dad been feeding you? You're a full foot taller than you were last time I saw you!"

"He may be as tall you by the time he's finished growing," Jesse remarked as he joined them. "How are you, Son?"

"I'm good, Dad," Matt replied, as he was pulled into a fatherly hug.

"Is your Mom here?"

"Ah, no. She's in Tempe visiting her folks."

"Tempe? Didn't she know we were coming?" Cody asked, hurt that his mother wouldn't be there to greet them.

"She's been gone for a couple of weeks, Code. She probably didn't think you guys would be down so soon this year."

Matt didn't look, but he could feel his father's gaze searing into him as he and Cody walked into the Ranger Station, Cody jabbering away about everything he'd seen or done over the winter.

Jesse followed his two sons inside, determined to get Matt alone to ask more about Jackie's trip. When he pushed through the door, his face lit up to see Cody surrounded by Matt's Rangers, in the middle of a group hug.

Then he found himself the center of attention as Robin released Cody and moved to embrace him.

"How is my daughter-to-be?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her.

"I'm fine, Jesse. It's so good to see the two of you!" she exclaimed. "I swear, Cody's grown two feet!"

"Not quite that much, but he has grown. Gonna be as tall as Matt some day," he repeated proudly.

"They must have got that from their mother's side of the family," Jim Cutler teased as he came over to shake Jesse's hand.

"Careful, boy. I know some things about you that you might not want your parents to know."

Cutler raised an eyebrow, then glanced over at Matt, before returning his gaze back to Jesse, who by then had a huge grin on his face.

"Ah, forget I said anything," he mumbled. "I ah, I have some chores to do. See ya later."

Cutler hurried from the room. Matt watched him leave, then shot an inquiring look at his father, who just grinned back. Jesse Hawkes grinning like that would make the devil nervous, much less his own kid. Matt didn't like his odds if his father zeroed in on him, and he was sure the man would. Matt calculated his chances of surviving the weekend intact. And they seemed awfully thin.

/

"So, Mathew, want to tell me what's going on with your mother?" Jesse asked later that night as he watched Cody finish washing the dinner dishes. Matt was putting away the leftovers and had his back to his father. They were staying at Jackie's house as usual when they were in town and Matt had decided to stay there as well, since Robin was on-call at the station that night.

Matt swallowed hard. Refusing to turn around, he asked, "What do you mean, Dad?"

"You know what I mean, son."

"She just went for a visit. Frankly, I think she was tired of the cold and just wanted to feel some hot sun on her face," he offered, putting the lid on a dish before sliding it into the fridge. "You want dessert?"

"No, I don't want dessert. What I want is answers," Jesse insisted.

Sensing an argument about to begin, Cody grabbed a towel from the counter and dried his hands, his gazed going back and forth between his father and brother. He could tell by Matt's tense shoulders that his brother didn't really want to be having this conversation. But Jesse Hawkes was not one to take 'no' for an answer.

"Answers?" Matt asked.

"Mathew, son, I know you're hiding something," Jesse insisted. "Is there some reason that your mom went to Tempe now? She usually waits until later in the spring."

Matt shrugged and quickly glanced at his father. Unable to keep eye contact, he turned around and grabbed a clean towel from the drawer and began drying the dishes Cody had washed.

"I don't know, Dad. She just said she felt like seeing her folks."

"Mathew..."

"Dad, look," Matt said, stacking the dishes as he dried them. "I can't tell you what I don't know." He mentally crossed his fingers, praying for forgiveness as he lied to his father.

"Do I have to call your mother myself?"

Matt opened the cupboard and put away a stack of plates, biting his lip. "If you think there was some other reason for her to visit, then you'll have to ask her yourself."

Jesse sighed heavily. "Fine. I'll do just that in the morning."

Matt nodded. "I think I'll hit the sack," he said. "Goodnight." He slipped the damp towel through the refrigerator handle and left the room.

Cody and Jesse both watched him walked down the hallway, then looked at each other, before Cody turned back to finish the dishes. Jesse lifted his mug and took another sip of coffee. He knew Matt was hiding something, but the boy was determined not to tell his father. Jesse was concerned about his ex. It was unlike her to just up and take off like that.

He hoped Matt was right and she just needed to get away to some warm weather. But Jesse was sure there was more to it than that.

His thoughts were interrupted when Cody sat down across the table from him, placing a chessboard between them, a silent invitation. Jesse smiled and nodded, watching his youngest pull out the chess pieces and set up the game.

/

The next morning, Matt left early, slipping out before sunrise, while Jesse and Cody were still asleep. He planned to keep himself busy all day and hoped to avoid his father as much as possible.

His plan worked until about noon. He was in his office, alone at the station. Just before noon, Izzy had poked his head in the door and offered to make a lunch run if Matt listened for the radio. Izzy had been gone about ten minutes when Matt was startled by the front door of the station being slammed open.

He jumped up and raced to the main room, skidding to a stop when he saw his angry father standing in the middle of the room.

Jesse Hawkes, for all of his smaller height, filled the room with his presence. Hands on hips, and eyes shooting fire, he aimed his anger straight at his oldest son. Matt flinched, a desire to run the opposite direction causing his knees to wobble.

"Son, you want to tell me again that you know nothing about why your mother left town?"

"I take it you spoke to Mom," he asked softly.

"No, I did not. But I did speak to your Grandfather. We had a nice long conversation."

"Oh," was all Matt could manage.

"Is that the best you can do, boy?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want to know why you lied to me." Jesse snarled. It had been a very long time since he had been this angry at his son. Since he'd been this angry at anyone! He purposely kept his distance, for fear he'd do something he'd never done before-strike one of his children.

Matt deflated and moved over to stand in front of the fireplace.

"I had no choice."

"There's always a choice, boy! And you made the wrong one this time!"

"I made a promise..."

"I don't care! You had no right to keep that information from me or your brother! Don't you think Cody has the right to know that his mother could be dying?!"

Matt closed his eyes in an effort to keep the tears from falling.

"Mom didn't..."

"Son, don't even go there," Jesse snarled. "Cody has the right to say goodbye to his Mother. And you _don't_ have the right to deprive him of that opportunity!"

"Dad..." he began again.

Jesse raised a hand, silencing his son. "I have to go tell my youngest son that his mother is sick, maybe even dying, and that his older brother kept that information from both of us. Then I plan to pack up and fly to Tempe, so that Cody has the chance to see his mother before she dies." Jesse shook his head. "Mathew..." he paused, taking a deep breath. "Son, I don't think I have ever been so disappointed in you. I can't believe that you would keep this from me. You weren't raised that way."

Matt shot his father a bitter smile. "But I was, Dad. You and Mom both raised me to always keep my promises."

"You should never have made a promise like that."

"Do you have any idea how hard it's been on me to not say anything to you and Cody? How many times I begged Mom to let me tell you?"

"You'd better hope that your brother is more understanding that I am, because right now, I am very angry with you, Mathew."

"No kidding," Matt said, tremulously. "Dad, I wanted to tell you, but..."

"Then you should have! This is not the kind of thing you keep a secret, Mathew!"

"I promised Mom that I wouldn't tell anyone! You have to understand," Matt pleaded desperately.

"I don't understand, boy. I truly don't understand how you could have made such a promise."

"Dad, please..."

"No. This is unforgivable." Jesse shook his head, then turned on his heels and quickly stepped out of the room, leaving his eldest son in shock.

Matt tried to blink away the wetness in his eyes, only causing his tears to fall down his cheeks. With blurry vision, he watched his father walk away, never once looking back at his devastated son.

Then something his father said finally struck home. Dying. That's what he'd said. That his mother was dying. Was Jesse just assuming that because of the diagnosis of TB or had he learned something from Jackie's father that Matt hadn't been told yet? Matt turned and leaned against the mantel, lowering his head to his arms, panting.

He had to know and there was only one way to find out. He stood up and wiped his eyes, marching over to the desk. Picking up the phone, he began to dial the now-familiar number of his Grandparents' house in Tempe, Arizona. But before he could, Izzy walked back through the door, two styrofoam containers in his hand.

Matt put the receiver back on its base, promising himself to call from his office. If Izzy noticed the redness in Matt's eyes, he didn't say anything to his boss. Matt picked up his lunch and closed himself up in his office. Sitting behind his desk, he opened the container. Normally, take-out from the best Chinese food joint in town would have Matt salivating. But the argument with his father has stolen his appetite.

He closed the lid and shoved the container into the trash, hoping to keep the contents of his stomach from following his lunch into the bin. Distantly he heard the other Rangers returning, their voices carrying to his office, muffled by the closed door. As he reached for the phone, he was once again interrupted.

"Matt!" He looked up to find Izzy Flowers standing in his doorway. "Just got a call. There's a vehicle over the cliff near Camp Richardson. Highway Patrol is requesting our assistance."

Matt stood up and quickly followed Izzy back to the main room, where the other Rangers were gathering. "Robin, Jim, get started that way. It'll be dark soon and we need to get set up fast. Hart, you and I will bring the van and all the equipment. Frank, be ready in case we need the bird."

Like the well-oiled machine they were, the Rangers all headed out without a word, each knowing what was expected of them.

Once on scene, Robin and Jim traversed down to the vehicle. While Robin assessed the injuries, Cutler set up and got ready to accept the Stokes basket that the others sent down.

"Jim, I need a hand in here," Robin called.

Cutler slid into the vehicle. "Geez, it smells like a brewery in here," he remarked, wrinkling up his nose.

"Yeah, a six pack of empties are scattered all over the car. Guess we know why he went over the edge," Robin answered.

"You know what Jesse Hawkes says, Robin. Never assume."

"Yeah. All the same, I'll mentioned it to the Chippies, they can do a blood test when he gets to the hospital."

Cutler nodded as they carefully lifted the man onto a backboard, then slid him out of the vehicle and secured him in the basket. Pulling tight on the last strap, Robin called up to ask if the ambulance had arrived.

"That's affirmative, Frostbite, it just pulled up," Matt replied from the roadway up above.

"Copy. Might want to inform CHP that this might be a deuce."

"Will do. You ready to bring him up?"

"Stand by one." She reached down and adjusted the blanket, tucking it under the driver's left arm so it wouldn't catch on the rocks or brush. She double-checked the straps, then nodded to Jim while keying her mic again. "Ready to bring him up, Flying Tiger."

The Rangers up top began hauling in the rope, pulling the victim up, while Robin and Cutler climbed up alongside him, each keeping a hand on the stokes to steady it. Once they made the roadway, she checked him again before he was loaded into the waiting ambulance. Robin turned over his care to the Medic Unit Paramedics.

The others began collecting their equipment while Matt headed over to speak to the CHP officer on scene and advise him that it looked like the driver had been intoxicated. The officer thank him for the information, and the rescue, then asked if the Rangers would be able to assist in getting the vehicle hooked up for the tow driver.

Matt assigned Cutler and Hart to help out, then headed for the HMR Blazer. The others would return in the mobile van. As he pulled open the door of the truck, he heard someone call his name. Looking around, he saw a familiar face in the passenger window of a vehicle stopped on road, waiting for traffic to be allowed back through again.

He grinned. "Tommy! Well, hello."

"Hi, Matt. Mom, this is Matt Hawkes, the Ranger I was telling you about."

Matt crouched down next to Tommy's window and nodded at the driver. "Nice to meet you," he told the brunette behind the wheel.

"So, you're the man Tommy hasn't stopped talking about since last week!" she exclaimed. "You sure made an impression on him." She smiled and reached out to shake Matt's hand.

"He's a good kid. His teacher was telling me that you just moved here."

"That's right. We'd been living in Las Vegas, but decided we wanted to see something besides desert."

"Well, if you'd like to meet some more of the locals, we're having an Open House at the end of the month at the Ranger Station. We have a display from the Rangers, the Sheriff's Department and the local Fire Department, plus barbeque all day long. Everyone is welcome."

"Can we, Mom?!" Tommy asked eagerly.

"We'll see," she said. "I don't know what my schedule will be like yet."

Matt reached into his truck and pulled a small white card from the visor. "Here. That's the number and address of the station. Call for directions. If you have to work, Tommy can always stay at the station until you pick him up."

She took the card, but seemed hesitant about leaving her son with strangers. "We'll see." She glanced out the front window. "Looks like traffic's moving. We'd better go."

"Bye, Matt!"

"See ya, Tommy. Nice to meet you..."

"Sadie," she replied.

"Nice to meet you, Sadie. Hope you can make it."

He moved back from the car as she drove away, Tommy waving. Matt waved back then climbed into the truck.


	3. Chapter 3

**_CHAPTER 3_**

Jesse Hawkes stomped up the stairs, still so angry at his eldest son that he was glad he'd left Matt at the station. He'd driven around for over an hour, trying to calm himself down. It hadn't worked. Then he stopped at the local travel agency and set up flights for himself and Cody. He tromped into the living room of his ex-wife's home to find Cody sitting on the sofa reading a book.

"Cody, you need to pack your gear."

"I thought we were staying in Tahoe for a few days," Cody said, the question unspoken.

"Just do it, I'll explain on our way to the airport."

Jesse grabbed his pack and began stuffing his clothing inside.

"Whoa! Airport? Where are we going?"

"Tempe." Jesse zipped up the bag and dropped it near the top of the steps

"Why?"

"Cody, just..."

"No! Dad, tell me what's going on. Why are you so angry?"

"I'm not angry at you, boy. I'm angry at your brother!"

"Matt? Why, what did he do?"

"It's what he didn't do!"

"Daaad!"

"Cody, we don't have time for this! We have a flight to catch. Now move!"

"Is something wrong with Mom?" Cody asked quietly.

Jesse froze and turned to face his youngest son, who looked every bit his young fifteen years.

He walked over and placed his hands on Cody's shoulders.

"She's sick, Cody. Very sick."

"Is she...is she dying?" he asked, so softly the Jesse barely heard it.

Jesse briefly closed his eyes, then blew out a breath and told his son the truth.

"Yes, son, she is."

When Cody's chin started to quiver, Jesse pulled him close. "I'm sorry, boy. There just wasn't an easy way to tell you."

Cody tightened his arms around his father's waist and asked, "What's wrong with her?"

"She has tuberculosis."

"How?"

Jesse shook his head. "I don't know, son. And it really doesn't matter right now."

"Matt knew?" Cody asked in disbelief.

Frowning, Jesse released his son. "Yes, your brother knew and decided not to tell us!"

"Is Matt going with us?"

"No!"

"He's not going to see Mom?" Cody asked, confused.

"Yes, I am."

Both turned to see Matt standing in the entrance to the living room.

Jesse glared at his eldest son, then turned away in anger. Matt closed his eyes and sighed. After he'd returned from the rescue, he'd finally called and spoken to his Grandfather, who had verified that Jackie's condition had worsened and the treatment wasn't working. The doctor wasn't optimistic about her chances and had advised her to get her affairs in order.

Matt had been devastated. He'd put Hart in charge of the station and headed back to his Mom's house, hoping to get the chance to explain things to his Dad and Cody. Ignoring his father for the moment, he turned to Cody.

"Why, Matt?"

"I made a promise," he replied softly.

Jesse whirled around. "A promise you never should have made, Mathew!" he snarled. "Not about something like this!"

"Dad..."

"No, I don't want to hear it. We need to leave now if we're going to catch our flight. Let's go, Cody." Jesse snatched up his pack. "Our ride is here."

Cody quickly grabbed his own backpack, stuffing his book and clean t-shirts inside. Zipping it up, he moved to follow his father. He glanced back at Matt.

"You'd better go, Code, before Dad gets mad at you too."

"You are coming, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be there tomorrow. I just have to make sure the station is covered. I have a flight out of Sacramento tomorrow morning."

Cody nodded and raced down the stairs as his father yelled at him to hurry. Matt walked over to the window. Mike McBride's blue pickup stood waiting. Jesse shuffled Cody into the back seat, then climbed into the front passenger seat and slammed the door shut. Matt watched the truck until it was out of his sight, then turned and looked around the living room.

He saw bits and pieces of his mother's life in every corner. He knew Jackie had decided not to return to Tahoe after her treatments, but the news he'd received this morning from his Grandfather had put a stamp of finality on it.

He had been correct, that his mother's condition had worsened drastically, and she hadn't wanted him to know. She hadn't wanted anyone to know. He had dared to hope that the treatments would work and even if she lived in Tempe, they'd still be able to visit each other.

Now, that last hope had been shattered. His Grandfather had told him that it was just a matter of weeks, maybe even days. He found his legs shaking and he slowly slid down the wall next to the window, dropping his head to his knees. As hard as he tried, he couldn't keep the tears at bay.

/

Jesse refused to answer Cody's question until they landed and were alone in their rental vehicle, headed for the home of Neal and Beth Fuller, Jackie's parents. Jesse flipped on the turn signal, and moved onto the entrance ramp for the freeway, while he reiterated the conversation he'd had with Matt.

"So, Matt knew she was dying and didn't tell us?" Cody asked.

"He knew how sick she was and promised your mother that he wouldn't tell either of us, yes."

"Mom asked him not to say anything?"

"That's what he said. That Jackie made him promise not to tell either of us how sick she was."

From the way Jesse's hands were clenched on the steering wheel, Cody know his father was still angry, which was unusual. His dad usually would calm down fairly quickly when he got his dander up. But this had hit him hard, Cody knew.

"Did he say why?" he asked.

Jesse snorted and changed lanes, speeding up. He raised his voice to be heard over the wind, since they were traveling with the windows down on their rented SUV. "No. Frankly, I wasn't in the mood to hear any excuse he might give me. This is not the type of thing you keep a secret, Cody. He should not have promised her." He slammed his hand down on the steering wheel.

"But he did. And once he did, he had to keep his promise," Cody stated, as if it was law. And in fact, it was Hawkes Family Law. If you made a promise, you kept it. It had been drilled into both brothers since they could understand the concept.

"Son...it was just wrong." Jesse shook his head. His thinking was still clouded by anger. He wanted to try to make Cody understand that Matt had been wrong even to make this type of promise to his mother. But at the moment, he just couldn't think straight. He was so angry. But more importantly, he was scared.

He still loved Jackie and probably always would. They had never divorced, even though they'd lived apart for over a decade. Neither had seen the need. Jesse had often wondered if she dated, but was always afraid to ask. He figured she probably had. She was too beautiful a woman to be a home-body. But he knew, if he asked and found out she'd been seeing other men, that it would break his heart.

So he never asked.

They'd travelled several miles down the highway before either spoke again.

"Dad, you know you need to calm down before we get there," Cody remarked. "You can't let Mom see you this angry, especially at Matt."

Jesse took a deep breath. Then took several more. Glancing ahead, he noticed an exit with a rest stop. He moved into the exit lane and pulled off into a parking spot next at the end of the lot, near a grassy area with a picnic bench. He shoved the car into park and turned off the engine. Climbing out of the vehicle, he began walking around the small park-like setting.

Cody slowly exited the vehicle and settled at the nearby picnic bench, clasping his hands in front of him and watching his father pace. Matt and Jesse had had arguments and disagreements in the past, but he had never seen his father this angry for so long. Cody wished he'd had the chance to talk to Matt before they left, but figured he'd be able to get his brother alone once Matt got to Tempe the next day.

After another twenty minutes, Jesse slowed his pace and eventually walked over to sit at the bench across from his youngest son.

"Sorry, Son."

Cody just shrugged.

"I shouldn't take my anger out on you," Jesse insisted. "Truthfully, I shouldn't even take it out on Matt."

"But you can't really take it out on Mom, because she's sick," Cody said, reading his father's thoughts. "Soooo, Matt is the next best target."

Jesse frowned. "I am still upset with your brother for even making this promise. But, yes, I'm angry at your Mom for asking him to and I can't very well yell at a dying woman." Jesse laid his head down on his arms and took a deep breath.

"You okay, Dad?"

Jesse crooked his head to look at his son. "I just can't believe that your Mom is so sick. She's been sick for over a month and no one thought we should know."

"Even if we had known, we couldn't have done much snowed in like we were."

Jesse lifted his head. "Just who is the adult here, anyway?" he asked.

Cody smiled. "Someone has to be the voice of reason."

Jesse reached out and placed his hands over his son's on the table. "Yes, I suppose you're right about that." He sighed. "I'm not sure how reasonable or rational I will be during all of this."

"We'll get through it, Dad, just like we always do. Together."

Jesse smiled. "Let's get back on the road. I want to get there before sunset."

They stood and walked back to their vehicle, Jesse slinging an arm over Cody's shoulder.

/

As they pulled into the circular driveway of large home, Cody glanced around. He had been a small boy the last time he'd been to his grandparent's home. It was a large, rambling adobe home, which sat on about ten acres of land. Large cacti and desert palms lined the drive and dotted the yard.

Neal Fuller had made a bundle in real estate, then branched out into other things. He was independently wealthy, and he and his wife lived a comfortable life at their place outside Tempe. Neal didn't need to work anymore, but did, just because he could. He once told Jesse that he'd be bored just playing golf every day.

The two men came from totally different backgrounds, but respected each other immensely. When his only daughter had told her parents that she was marrying a former Marine who lived in the mountains, they had been shocked. Until they met Jesse. And knew that their headstrong, rebel daughter had met her match.

Jesse and Neal had hit it off right away. Beth took a little more time, not used to someone so brash and opinionated. But in the end, Jesse had won her over too. When the boys had been young, Neal and Beth had visited often. Then Beth had been injured in an accident and lost the use of her legs. After that, they just didn't visit because it was too difficult for her to get around.

But they doted on their grandchildren. Matt's college tuition had been paid by his grandparents. And Cody's would be as well. And Jesse knew that Neal had started trust funds for both of his boys which they'd be told about once each boy had his first child. Jesse hadn't wanted his boys to know before then, because he'd wanted them to make their own way in the world and not rely on their grandparents, who would have spoiled them given the opportunity.

Jesse turned off the engine and pulled the key out of the ignition, sliding it into his pocket. As they got out of the SUV, the front door opened.

Jesse smiled. Neal Fuller hadn't changed a bit, except for a few more grays hairs. He was over seventy, but you'd never know it by the way he rushed down the stairs.

"Jesse. Cody. I'm so glad you made it," he said, hugging them both.

"Neal. I'm just sorry it isn't a more pleasant reason for a visit," Jesse replied.

The older man nodded, blinking away tears. "Yes. It won't be long, Jesse. A matter of days, I think."

"I'm so sorry, Neal. This must be difficult for you. How's Beth?"

"She's putting up a strong front, but she's hurting. She's keeping busy helping the nurse care for Jackie." Neal looked away briefly, then turned his eyes back to Jesse. "I haven't told Jackie that you were coming. I wasn't sure how she'd react." Neal turned to Cody. "How are you, Grandson?"

"I'm good," Cody replied, a little unsure of himself. The last time he'd seen his grandparents, Matt was still living at home. "Is Mom awake? Can we see her?"

"Of course. Come on inside."

Grabbing their bags, they followed Neal up the step onto the flagstone porch and through the large double front doors. He led them through the main hallway and toward the rear of the house. Pushing open the door of a room just past the kitchen, he gestured for them to enter behind him.

Jesse stopped in shock. Jackie was in a hospital style bed, with the head of the bed in the raised position so that she was sitting up. There was an oxygen mask on her face and he could hear from the doorway that she was struggling to breathe.

She looked so small...and so fragile. He blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. He took a deep breath and moved toward the bed. She faced the large floor-to-ceiling windows, but her eyes were closed. He sat down on the side of the bed, and gently placed his hand on hers as it lay on the bed.

Her eyes fluttered and it took her a moment to focus.

"Jess..." she whispered.

"Hey, beautiful," he replied softly, rubbing his thumb along her knuckles.

"Cody?" she breathed out painfully.

"He's here." Jesse turned and waved his son forward. Cody moved to Jesse's side. He leaned over and kissed his mother on the forehead. "Hey, Mom."

"You came." They could barely hear her, but the smile that lit her face told them that they were right to come out immediately.

But Jesse could feel his anger building again. At Jackie. At Matt. At this damned disease! He needed to leave.

"Why don't I let Cody visit for a while? I'll come back a little later." He patted her hand and stood up. "Stay with your mom, Cody."

"Dad?" Cody didn't feel comfortable staying by himself. She was his mother, but he didn't spend a lot of time with her and felt uneasy being alone with her, especially under the circumstances.

"I'll be back in a bit, son."

Jesse hurried from the room, leaving Cody standing there, watching the door. Then he felt a hand lightly grasp his and looked down to see his mother staring up at him. She released his hand and patted the bed.

"Sit with me, Cody," she gasped. "Tell me what you've been doing." She spoke so quietly, that Cody had troubled hearing her, but figured he knew what she wanted.

He slid into the chair beside the bed and she reached for his hand. He took the hand in both of his and began talking, detailing the things he and his father had done during the winter, and the things he'd seen. Just a few minutes into his discourse, he realized that she'd fallen asleep. He placed her hand under the blanket that covered her. Standing up, he leaned over and gave her another kiss, then exited the room.

He found his father on the back patio, staring out at the mountains in the distance. He walked up beside him. Neither said a word as Jesse wrapped an arm around Cody's shoulder and pulled him close. Cody slid his arm around his father's waist and put his head down on Jesse's shoulder, unexpected tears falling.

Behind them, standing in the great room, Neal and Beth watched through the large window as the father and son dealt with their first look at Jackie Hawkes. Neal put his hand on his wife's shoulder. She reached up and clasped it with her own. "We'll need to help them through this, dear," she said.

"We'll help each other."

"Matt?"

"He'll be here in the morning. He needed to square away the station first," Neal told her. "I'll pick him up at ten tomorrow."

"Jesse still angry at him?" she asked.

"Yes." Neal sighed and shook his head. "He's probably angry at Jackie, too, but of course he can't say anything to her, so..."

"So, he'll take it out on his son, instead. We need to head that off, if we can."

"I'll do my best, sweetheart. But you know how stubborn he can be."

"Stubborn is what's going to get us all through this, Neal." She sniffed. "I'm losing my baby."

He knelt down beside her wheelchair and wrapped his arms around her as she cried on his shoulder. Their pain was as deep as that of Jesse and the boys, but different. They were losing a child. No parent should have to bury a child.

/

Neal's attempts to talk to Jesse about Matt were met with stubborn resistance. Having seen how sick Jackie was, Jesse was all the more upset that his eldest son hadn't said something sooner. And knowing that the only reason he'd found out about Jackie was because he himself had called Neal, Jesse wasn't willing to forgive Matt any time soon.

The next morning, Neal gathered up his keys, then headed down to Jackie's room. Jesse sat by her side, brushing a hand across her forehead. Cody stood nearby, still somewhat uncomfortable. Neal couldn't tell if that was because it was his own mother, or just because she was so sick. Probably a little of both, he decided.

He thought it might be best to get the boy out of the house for a bit. He walked over and spoke for a moment with his daughter, letting her know he was headed out to get Matt. As he left, he gestured for Cody to follow him.

The teen seemed relieved to get out of the room, taking a deep breath as he stepped into the hallway.

"Not easy for you, is it, Cody?" Neal asked.

Cody shook his head. "I've never seen her sick," he replied. "Not even a cold."

"You feel like taking a drive with me?"

"You going to get Matt?"

"Yes."

"I should let Dad know."

"Beth will tell him, if he asks."

Cody glanced back into the room. His dad was softly talking to Jackie and Cody figured he'd be there awhile. Cody did want the chance to talk to Matt before Jesse lit into him again. And to be sure of that, he'd need to see his brother before he got to the house.

Nodding, he followed his grandfather out of the house.

/

"There he is," Cody said. "Matt!"

His brother looked up, then headed their way. He dropped his bag on the floor and hugged his brother, then his grandfather.

"How is she?" he asked, warily.

"She's holding on, Matt," Neal told him.

He released a breath, at once glad to know that she was still alive, but scared of what he'd find once they got to the house. Cody grabbed Matt's bag and slung it over his shoulder, receiving a weary smile from his brother.

"Thanks, Code."

"You look like you haven't slept in a week," Cody remarked. "Everything okay back home?"

"Yeah. We just had a really busy day yesterday and I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Worried about Mom?"

Matt nodded. "And Dad. He's so mad at me, Cody."

"I know."

When he didn't say any more, Matt stopped and looked at his brother. Neal took a few more steps before he realized his grandsons weren't with him, then turned around and watched them.

"What about you, Cody? You mad too?"

Cody shifted his eyes away, then shrugged. "Yeah, a little."

Matt's shoulders slumped. He nodded. "Okay. I guess I deserve that."

"Matt," Cody began, moving closer to his brother. "You haven't seen Mom yet. She's so...so...weak. So..so _not_ Mom."

Matt closed his eyes and took a deep breath, not wanting to cry in the middle of the airport.

"We better go," he said, reaching to take his bag from his brother and moving off. Cody watched him walk away, a frown pulling at his face.

Neal walked back a couple steps and put his arm around Cody's shoulder. "It's okay. We'll talk to him on the drive back. Your brother has been through a lot in the last few months. He's had to shoulder a lot of the burden. He knew even before your Grandma and I did. For what it's worth, I know how hard it's been for him. Beth and I have both tried to change Jackie's mind."

"Why did he make that promise?"

Neal sighed and began walking, pulling Cody with him. "I think that it was his way of staving off the worst."

Cody cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

"If he promised your Mom that he wouldn't say anything about her illness, then it wouldn't get worse. If he knew that it would prove...fatal...I don't think he ever would have made that promise. It was his way his fingers and hoping for the best."

"He should have told us."

"Jackie should have told you. Unfortunately, she put Matt in the middle. He didn't want to upset your mother more by insisting, yet he didn't want to upset you and Jesse by not telling you."

"What's that saying-between a rock and a hard place?"

"Which one is Jesse?" Neal asked, with a smile.

"Definitely the rock. Actually, probably more like a boulder."

Neal squeezed Cody closer, then released him as they caught up with Matt.

Once settled in the vehicle, Neal turned to Matt, who was sitting in the front seat with him. "So, how long can you stay?"

"As long as I need to. Hart's taking over, but if I'm gone more than a week, the Ranger station at Mt. Shasta will send someone down to assist," he replied, staring out the window. "How's Grandma?"

"She's hurting. Doesn't want to lose her baby."

Matt smiled to hear his mother described that way.

"Matt, I am sorry that your mother put you in this tough spot with your dad. She shouldn't have done that."

Nodding, Matt turned to face his grandfather. "So...how, umm...how long..."

Neal too one hand off the wheel and squeezed Matt's forearm. "Not long, Matt. Not long."

Nodding again, he turned his face back to the passing scenery, reaching up to run a sleeve across his watering eyes.

In the back seat, Cody watched his brother. He knew that Matt was as close to Jackie, as Cody was to Jesse. And Cody couldn't imagine anything like this happening to his dad. And especially if his dad told him not to tell Matt or anyone else. Cody didn't think he would have been able to handle going through that alone, without his big brother to lean on.

He leaned forward and put his hand on Matt's shoulder, and although Matt didn't respond, he felt the shoulder under his hand relax slightly. Several minutes passed with no conversation before Matt turned around to face his little brother.

"You okay, Code?"

The younger boy shrugged. "I don't know. It's hard to see her like that, Matt. She's so weak and she's wearing a...a mask to help her breathe."

Matt nodded. "Tuberculosis is a disease of the lungs. It wasn't bad when we first found out she was sick. She'd go out for one of her walks and get out of breath. Later, it was hard for her to even go up the stairs in the house. You know, she didn't want to go to the doctor, at first. I think she was afraid of what he'd tell her."

"You make her go?"

"I gave her an ultimatum. She could either go on her own or I'd drag her there." He briefly closed his eyes. "I only wish I would have forced the issue sooner. Maybe..."

"Don't go there, Matt," Neal interrupted. "We all know how stubborn your mother can be. If I know you, as soon as you found out, you would have started to make her see reason. I'd venture a guess that she didn't tell you, either, but that you found out some other way."

"Yes. I saw her one day out on her walk. I was heading to her house to drop something off and she was half way up that long hill on her street, bent over and taking in long breaths and coughing. I stopped and gave her a ride home. She kept insisting it was just a cold. But when it wouldn't go away..." He looked at Cody. "It took me a month to get her to finally make an appointment. And another two weeks before we found out what it was."

"I know you tried your best, Matt. But..." Cody didn't continue, but then he didn't need to.

"But, why didn't I tell you and Dad right away, when I found out how serious it was?"

Cody nodded, his eyes pleading for an explanation.

Matt slumped down in his seat. "I think she thought she could beat it, Code. And if she did, I don't think she would have told anyone, not even Gram or Gramps," he said, glancing at his grandfather, who just nodding in understanding. "But when she found out how long it would take and how much it would cost..."

"She knew that your grandmother and I were the best ones to help her," Neal finished.

Matt nodded. "I'm glad you were able to get the Flying Doctors organization to bring her to Tempe. It sure saved a major hassle with the airlines and the health department. I was just going to drive her out instead, since I'd already been exposed."

Cody gasped. "You have it too?!"

"No! No, Cody. I've already been tested. So were Scott and Marge, although they had both moved out long before she finally went to the doctor. And you know she took a break from the casino for a while."

"What about Dad?" he asked, fearful of losing anyone else.

"He's fine, Cody," Neal told him. "She's been on the antibiotics for several weeks, so she's no longer contagious. For the first few weeks in the hospital, we couldn't even go in the room with her without wearing masks ourselves. But that's no longer a problem."

Matt saw the sadness in his grandfather's face and reached up to put his hand on the older man's shoulder. Neal nodded and patted Matt's hand, not taking his eyes from the road. Turning back to his brother, he sighed.

"But to answer your question...Mom and I talked about it so many times. I wanted to tell you, she didn't want to. We argued about it, several times. One day, we were talking on the phone, and I brought it up again. She got angry and started yelling, then she'd start having all that trouble breathing. It scared me, so to calm her down, I made her a promise that I wouldn't say anything. I just wanted her to calm down..."

"And once she did, you'd already made the promise and couldn't back down?"

Matt nodded at Cody's on-the-mark assessment.

"You need to tell that to Dad."

"I don't think he wants to listen, Code."

"Matt, he's more angry with Mom than he is with you. But, he can't very well yell at Mom."

"No, I don't suppose he can. Let's just...get through this...and then he and I can talk."

"It'll be okay, Matt, you'll see."

Matt just nodded and turned back around, once again watching the passing scenery. He hoped Cody was right, but he wasn't going to hold his breath waiting for his dad to apologize.

/


	4. Chapter 4

**_CHAPTER 4_**

Once again, older brother was right. But it could have just been bad timing. As they pulled onto the street, they saw a medic unit pulling into the driveway. Neal hastily pulled in behind, making sure not to block it, then all three raced into the house and down the hall.

Paramedics were examining Jackie and getting information from the nurse, while Beth and Jesse stood together in the corner.

"Beth!"

"Oh, Neal!" she called out, reaching her hand toward him. He rushed over and knelt down beside her, their hands clasped together. Cody and Matt moved next to their father. Jesse wrapped an arm around Cody's shoulder, pulling him close, but totally ignored his older son.

"What happened?" Cody asked.

"Her breathing was getting worse and her blood pressure was starting to rise. The nurse thought it best to take her to the hospital."

They watched as the paramedics gave Jackie a couple of injections, one a sedative which put her to sleep. Then they transferred her to the stretcher they'd brought in with them and secured her with the attached belts.

The family followed as they wheeled her down the hall and lifted her into the medic unit. The driver closed the doors, and hurried to the front seat. Climbing in, he started the engine, flipped on the sirens and moved down the road.

Neal ran back inside to get Beth's purse, then he and Matt assisted her into the SUV they'd just arrived in.

"You want me to drive, Grandpa?" Matt asked.

"No, thank you, Matt. I'll be okay."

Matt nodded, then he, Cody and Jesse climbed into the rear seat, while Neal thanked the nurse and told her they'd call if they needed her to return.

Neal got behind the wheel and hurriedly pulled out of the drive to follow his daughter, thinking that it would likely be the last time she would be in their home. He reached across and took Beth's hand in his, unable to quell her tears while he got them to the hospital.

/

The wait was interminable. When they'd arrived at the hospital, Jackie was already in an exam room. Judging by the frantic traffic in and out of the room, the situation was dire.

Neal sat in a chair next to Beth, holding her hands while both of them prayed quietly. Matt and Cody sat on a sofa, Matt's leg bobbing up and down nervously.

Jesse paced. To the door of the room, out into the hall, past the exam room then back again. Every time he came back into the room, he'd glare at Matt. But remembering the conversation he'd had with Cody on the trip out, he never spoke to his oldest son.

Finally, a doctor approached the room. Neal stood up.

"Jeffrey?"

"I'm sorry, Neal. It's only a matter of time. We're transferring her up to a room and we'll make her comfortable, but I think it'll be tonight sometime. I'm sorry, my friend."

Neal nodded, unable to speak as his throat closed up. Beth squeezed his hand as Dr. Jeffrey Hampton knelt down beside her chair.

"Beth, I can't tell you how sorry I am. We're going to put Jackie in a large private room, so that you all can stay with her. We've given her some pain medication and a light sedative, but you know that she decided long ago that no heroic measures were to be taken."

Beth nodded, tears rolling down her face.

"I've already contacted Father Bisher. He'll be here in an hour."

"Thank you," she whispered. "When can we see her?"

"As soon as we get her settled in her room, I'll have someone come get you. And I'll be in and out through the night to check up on her. Do you need me to call anyone?"

"Michael. We need to call Michael," she said, looking up at her husband. Michael Fuller was Jackie's only sibling, older by four years. He also lived in Tempe and helped to run his father's various business enterprises.

"I can do that, if you want, Grandma," Matt offered.

"That would be wonderful, Matthew, thank you."

Neal offered Matt his cellphone. "His number is in there."

Matt nodded and walked outside, Jeffrey Hampton a few steps behind him to return to his duties.

Jesse watched Matt go, then turned to see Cody standing a few feet away. Cody appeared to be in shock, not moving, not really seeing anything.

"Son?"

Cody blinked several times as his father moved in front of him. "She's really dying," he breathed out. "It's really happening."

"Come here, son," Jesse said, pulling his youngest to his chest.

"I'm sorry, Dad. I guess...it just didn't feel real..." Cody's eyes watered, tears slowing sliding down his face. "I wish...we wasted so much time not getting to know each other." He wrapped his arms around his father, bereft at what could have been.

"I know, Son. I know." He tightened his hold, not sure if he was trying to console Cody or himself. They stood that way until Matt returned a few minutes later. Jesse could tell his son had been crying, the red eyes evident.

"He's on the way, be here in about twenty minutes," Matt told his Grandfather softly, handing back the phone.

"Matt, are you okay?" Neal asked.

Matt shook his head, his eyes watering up again. "No, I can't say that I am," he said as his Grandfather embraced him.

"It'll be okay, Matt," he whispered in his ear. "I know how much it hurts, but your mother needs to be free of this pain." Matt nodded and a minute later pulled away, wiping his eyes.

Jesse knew his eldest was hurting and wanted to comfort him. But just as he thought about moving, a nurse entered the room.

"Jackie Hawkes family?" she asked. Getting nods from those in the room, she gestured. "Follow me please, and I'll take you to her room."

Matt moved behind his Grandmother, pushed her wheelchair toward the elevator. The family filled the small car, no one speaking as they crept up three floors before the doors opened again. Jesse held the door open as everyone exited, then followed the group down the hall. The nurse led them to a room at the end of the hall. It was a large suite, usually reserved for wealthy patients.

Two comfortable chairs sat on either side of the bed, while near the window sat a sofa and two more chairs. The windows on both walls at the corner were covered in heavy drapes. Beth directed Neal to open the drapes, allowing the light to spill into the room.

Matt pushed Beth over next to the bed, Cody moving one of the chairs to make room for her wheelchair. Jackie's eyes were closed. Her mother reached for her hand.

"Can I get you anything, Grandma?" Matt asked.

"I could use something to drink, if you don't mind."

"Water, juice, coffee?"

"How about an iced tea," she replied. He nodded then turned to the room. "Anyone else?"

The others voiced their preferences and Matt moved toward the door.

"Cody, would you help Matt, please?" Neal asked. Cody shot a quick look at his father, who nodded, then followed his brother out the door.

Jesse sat down on the sofa and stared out the window. He hated cities. He felt stifled anytime he left the mountains he'd grown to love. He was still watching the cars swish past on the freeway four stories below when he felt the cushion shift.

Glancing around, he saw Neal sitting next to him. "This won't be easy on them," Jesse commented.

"It won't be easy on anyone, Jess. I know how much you still love my daughter."

Jesse nodded and looked back out the window. "I never stopped," he whispered.

"I know. For what it's worth...neither did she."

"I wish I would have known sooner," Jesse mumbled.

Neal chuckled. "You know Jackie. She wouldn't have wanted anyone to fuss."

"Matt should have..."

"Matt did what he thought was best for his sick mother."

"We could have helped her through this," he growled.

"She wouldn't have wanted that, Jesse. Remember how she was when Matt was born?"

Jesse grinned. "How could I forget? I planned to spoil her, breakfast in bed, wait on her hand and foot. But she wouldn't have any of that!"

"And she insisted on getting up to answer his every cry, you said."

"Even if I was already awake and up, she would still be there."

"So, why do you think she would have changed? She's only gotten more stubborn, not less."

Jesse turned away from the view and leaned forward, dropping face into his hands.

"Neal, I know that Matt was only abiding by her wishes. But he should have known better than to make that kind of promise to her. Not about something this important...this..."

"Serious? Final?" Neal supplied. "Jesse, I can't tell you how to treat your son, but I will give you some advice. Don't lose him over this. Jackie would not want that. She loves him as much as you do. I think that she was just trying to spare you and Cody the pain of her death. In fact, if she could have, I imagine she wouldn't have even wanted Matt to know."

"She wouldn't have done that to Matt," Jesse insisted.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that. She asked me to lie to him, not tell him she was getting worse. In a way, I understand how Matt feels. We both wanted what would be easiest for Jackie. And if him not telling you or me not telling him, would make it easier for my daughter, then I'm sorry for hurt feelings. But she comes first right now."

"Neal, I raised my boys not to lie."

"Matt didn't lie to you..."

"Don't go there! It was a lie of omission. Cody had a right to know she was sick."

"Enough!" Both men turned to find an angry Beth glaring them as she wheeled her chair closer to them. She kept her voice low, not wanting Jackie to hear her. "This is neither the time nor the place for this conversation. My daughter, and your wife, Jesse, is lying in that bed dy..." her voice cracked. She took a deep breath than continued. "She is dying. There is nothing we can do to stop that. It was her decision not to tell you. Hers. Not Matt's. Not ours. Jackie's. Now both of you shut up and go over to talk to her."

For several long seconds no one moved. Then Neal stood, leaned over and kissed his wife on the cheek and move to the chair beside the bed. Jesse took a bit longer, but he too finally moved to sit beside his wife.

For the next twelve hours, Jackie's family moved in out of the room, and to and from her bed. They settled for a while, then when it became too much, they'd move away and join the others in the sitting area of the room.

Just after midnight, Jesse was talking quietly to her, reminiscing about their life together, rubbing his fingers along her knuckles and over the palm of her hand. He felt her weakly squeeze his hand. He looked up to find her watching him and saw her lips moved.

He stood to get closer and heard her mutter, "Hold me, Jess." He quickly kicked off his shoes and slid onto the bed next to her. Mindful of the tube from the IV, he slipped his arm underneath her and moved her so that she was laying against his chest. She asked him to remove the oxygen mask, waiting until he did, then she sighed and settled against him.

"Love you, Jess. Always have."

"I love you too, babe. I never stopped."

"Boys?" she breathed out.

"They're right here," he said, gesturing for Matt and Cody to come closer. The others moved too, surrounding the bed. This was the first time Jackie had been awake in the last few hours and they all wanted her to know they were nearby.

She reached out a hand. "Matt." Her eldest stepped closer and gently took her hand in his, leaning down to his her cheek. "I love you, Matt. I'm sorry I put you through this," she gasped.

"Shhh. It's okay. It'll be fine, Mom. I love you, so much." He tried to keep the tears from falling, but knew he was fighting a losing battle. "I love you."

She took a shallow, shuttering breath. "Cody?"

Matt stepped back and allowed his brother to take his place. "I'm here, Mom," Cody said, taking her hand from his brother.

"My Cody. So sorry...never meant...to be..stranger...to own son."

"You weren't, Mom," Cody assured her. "Just because we didn't spend a lot of time together doesn't me I don't love you."

"My baby. Love you, Cody," she said, bringing his hand to her cheek.

"Love you too, Mom," he whispered, leaning in to place a soft kiss on her forehead as Jesse softly brushed her hair back. Cody stepped back as she closed her eyes and seemed to fall back asleep. He moved into the waiting arms of his big brother, both of them trying to keep their tears at bay. A minute later she woke and looked around again. She smiled as her eyes found her brother. She reached out and he moved in, settling into the seat by the bed, taking her hand.

"Big brother," she whispered. "Taught Matt...to be...good brother."

"And you taught me, Squirt," he replied, using her childhood nickname. "You taught me how to take chances. And how to speak my mind. I'll never forget that."

"Love...you."

"I love you too, Jacks. Best sister in the world."

"Best...broth..er. Help my...boys."

"I will. Count on it." Her breathing seemed to get worse, so Mike reached up and placed the oxygen mask back on her face. He leaned down and cupped her face, placing a kiss on her forehead. "I love you, little sister," he said as she closed her eyes again.

Mike stepped back, not fighting his tears. He looked down as his mother took his hand, then dropped to his knees beside her. Beth hugged her son to her as her husband, Neal, stepped forward. The older man reached up, gently running his hand through Jackie's hair.

"My daughter, my Daddy's girl," he said. "You always had me wrapped around your little finger. Oh, how I tried to make sure you didn't know that, but you did. I could never say no to you. It shouldn't be this way, little girl. I will miss you, oh so much."

Jackie opened her eyes. "Love you...Daddy," she said.

"I love you too, baby girl."

"Mama?"

"Mama's right here," he said, as Beth was pushed closer to the bed by her son.

Jackie slowly moved her hand to rest inside the hand of her mother. It was only then that tears fell from Beth's eyes, as if it was all finally too much for her. She'd tried to stay strong for everyone, only allowing Neal to see her tears. But this was her only daughter. And this was her last chance to say goodbye.

"I love you, Honey. From the first time I find out I was pregnant with you, I knew that you would grow up to be strong and independent, and I was so right. You turned into a beautiful, strong, loving woman. And I am so proud of you."

"Thank you...Mama...tried...be like you...tried be...good woman...like my Mom..."

"You are a good woman, baby. And I love you."

"Love you...Mama..."

A moment later, Jackie's eyes closed and her labored breathing stopped. Jesse tightened his hold and placed a soft kiss against her head. The silence was nearly complete. The only sounds heard were the muffled sobs of her family.

/

Per Jackie's wishes, the funeral service was a short and quiet service, with only a few people outside the family there. She'd made all the arrangements herself, knowing it would be easier on her boys, Jesse, and her parents if they didn't have to decide what she might or might not have wanted.

Jackie had never believed in all the trappings of most funerals. She wanted things simple and comfortable, and without a church in sight. So they'd all gathered at Beth and Neal's home, with a catered buffet and bar. It was more a celebration then a funeral, which was exactly what she'd wanted. Her instructions were explicit. Talk about the good times and the fun they'd had. Talk about her life, not her death.

Robin, Jim and Frank had flown out that morning, arriving just in time for the service. Cutler and Avila would return to Tahoe the next day, Robin the day after, since none of them could afford to leave the station that short-handed for long. Matt planned to be in Tempe until the end of the week, but Jesse hadn't decided when he and Cody would return.

After Jackie had passed away, Jesse got very quiet, generally ignoring everyone, even Cody. Matt knew that he'd have to speak with his father, but decided to wait a day or two, until after the service and after Robin and the others had gone. He spent a lot of time with his Uncle Mike, getting reacquainted with a man who had spent a lot of time with him as a youngster.

His mother's brother had lived in Sacramento for several years when Matt was young. After Matt and Jackie had moved to Tahoe, leaving behind Jesse and Cody, Mike was a father figure to him when his own was so far away. Mike would come up to Tahoe, or Matt and Jackie would head down to Sacramento, at least twice a month. So during the winter, he saw more of Mike then he did his own father.

It was Mike who took him to baseball games in San Francisco. It was Mike who taught him how to drive. And it was Mike that he called to help him convince his mother to let him play on the school football team, when she was too afraid he'd get hurt, since he was only a freshman and the rest of the team were older, bigger boys.

During the days following the service, Matt and Mike would take Cody and leave the house, going anywhere to get away from the memory of Jackie. And away from the continued sullenness and silence of Jesse. Matt knew that Cody was concerned about their Dad, but he also knew that nothing he or Cody said would get Jesse to talk until he was good and ready to talk.

"Let him grieve, Cody," Matt told his little brother. "Right now, he's Jackie's husband, not our father. He needs time to mourn his wife and we have to give him that time."

"But he's so sad."

"He's not the only one, Cody. He'll be okay. You know how strong he is."

Cody just nodded and buried his face in Matt's chest, grateful when his big brother's arm wrapped around him.

"I want my Dad back, Matt. He won't talk to me, except in short, angry sentences. I've never seen him like this."

"Best to just leave him alone, Code. He's still pretty angry. At Mom. At me. At life, death, whatever. I have a feeling that he and I will be having a long talk in the next couple of days. Once he's able to get all that anger out, he'll probably settle down and be Dad again."

Cody just nodded, hoping his big brother was right. And hoping no one would get hurt in the process.

/

"Matt?" The whispered voice came from the doorway. Matt turned over and waved his little brother into the room, sitting up against the headboard. "Sorry I woke you."

"You didn't Cody. I haven't been able to sleep."

"Me either," he said as he settled in next to his brother. After a long moment of silence, Cody laid his head down on Matt's shoulder. "I didn't think I'd miss her so much. I was just getting to know her."

"It's been pretty tough on you, huh, little brother? And it doesn't help that Dad is so distant right now, does it?"

Cody shook his head. "He's always been there when I needed him. It's weird him not being around."

"Everything will be okay, Cody. He's still angry and really upset. I'd bet he feels kind of like you. He wishes he'd had more time. Maybe he didn't realize how much he still loved her. Things will settle down. You just have to give him time. And you know you can always come talk to me."

"Yeah, I know. Matt...don't take this wrong, but..."

"What is it, Cody?" His brother lifted his head and glanced at Matt.

"Well, it's just...he seems okay and then he sees you or someone says your name...'

"And he gets angry again?" Matt chuckled softly. "Yeah, I know. That's why I'm trying to stay clear of him. I don't want to make things worse. But I have a feeling he and I will be having one long, and probably very loud, argument sometime in the near future." He turned to look at his younger brother. "Just do me a favor and leave the room if that happens. You don't need to get in the middle of all that."

"No guarantees," Cody said.

"I just don't want you to get hurt, Cody. Dad and I have had our disagreements before."

"Nothing like this."

"Nothing before was this important. We'll work it out," Matt said, adding a silent 'I hope' to the end of that statement. His father had never been so angry at him for such an extended period of time before. He hoped they could work it out, but he wasn't going to get his hopes up too soon.

Fifteen minutes later, Cody fell asleep still leaning against his brother. Matt gently pulled him flat and covered him up, then lay down next to him, finally able to sleep himself. He promised himself that he'd talk to his father in the morning.

/

Jesse kept Matt from keeping his promise, as the elder Hawkes was already up and out of the house when his sons woke up. Their Grandfather had said he needed some time alone away from the house, so the boys had spent the day helping their Grandmother to answer condolence cards.

They had the chance to hear stories about their mother's childhood. Grandparents and grandsons cried and laughed as they remembered Jackie Hawkes. They were able to get a small start in healing.

/


	5. Chapter 5

**_CHAPTER 5_**

The room was dark, the only light coming from the full moon shining through the window. Matt shifted his weight, settling more deeply into the soft sofa cushions. Matt had tried to sleep, but spent the two hours tossing and turning, and finally decided to just get up. He wound up sitting in the dark in the living room, trying not to wonder what his life would be like now without his mom to talk to and confide in.

She was his best friend growing up, always willing to listen to him and talk about anything that he wanted to talk about. She never shied away from any issue and had helped him weather his first breakup with a girl. Jackie always gave him good advice on dealing with the opposite sex, teaching him to respect women and treat them well, but not to let any of them take advantage of him at the same time.

She been the first person he'd talked to about his feelings for Robin. He couldn't believe she wouldn't be at his wedding, wouldn't be sitting in the front row, a huge smile on her face. He'd often pictured her gray haired and playing with her grandchildren. Now, his and Cody's future kids wouldn't have a fraternal grandmother and his heart ached with that thought.

He reached up to rub his tired eyes, surprised to find his cheeks wet from unnoticed tears.

"What now, Mom? You've been such a fixture in my life, how do I move forward without you there?" he questioned, keeping his voice low.

Sighing, he stood up and moved over to the French doors. Pulling them open, he moved out onto the large deck. He leaned against the railing, staring up at the stars. This far out of the city, you could see so many stars against the black sky.

A thud startled him and he turned to find his father moving into the room behind him, swaying slightly. Matt went back inside, concerned.

"Dad? Are you alright?"

Jesse looked up as if just noticing his son. "You waiting up for me, boy?" he asked softly, but with a hint of something in his voice that Matt didn't recognize.

"No. I couldn't sleep."

"And why is that, do you think?" Jesse asked, his words slightly slurred.

"Have you been drinking?" Matt questioned. He hadn't meant to ask so bluntly, but the idea of Jesse Hawkes drunk was as foreign to him as if the man had said he hated his beloved mountains. Not that his father was a tea-totaler, but as far as Matt knew, Jesse only had the occasional beer or shot of whiskey.

"And what if I have? You trying to run my life now, son?"

Matt heard the sarcasm in the word 'son' and moved, intending to leave the room. It was too late, or rather too early, to be getting into it with his father again. But Jesse had other ideas and as Matt tried to slip past him, he grabbed his arm.

"What's the matter, boy?" he sneered. "Afraid of your old man?"

"Let go of me," Matt said, trying to stay calm. His father was obviously still angry with him and in his drunken state Matt wasn't sure what he'd do.

Afraid? Yeah, maybe a little. And that was not something he'd ever felt before. Oh, he'd feared his father's wrath when he'd done something against the rules as a youth. But fear? No, he'd never felt afraid.

Until now.

Jesse tightened his grip. "Don't tell me what to do, boy!" he spat. "I'm still the parent here. I should take you over my knee for keeping so many secrets."

"I'm gonna say this only once more. It wasn't my secret to tell," Matt insisted.

"So you've said, too many times. I don't want to hear it anymore."

"Then quit pushing it. Every time you do, you're gonna hear it!"

"You sassin' me?"

"In case you hadn't noticed 'Dad' I'm not a boy anymore. Now let...go...of...my...arm," Matt growled.

"I can still take you down, 'Boy'," Jesse replied with a smirk.

Matt twisted his body, able to wrest his arm from his father's grip, but when he turned back to face him, he was met with Jesse's fist. Next thing he knew he was flat on his back, staring at the ceiling.

'What the hell just happened?' he thought. He glanced up only to see his father shuffle over to the sofa, flexing his hand as if wondering why it hurt. Matt sat up, gingerly touching his cheek and moving his lower jaw. 'Okay, no permanent damage.' He shifted a foot underneath him and pushed to his feet, hesitantly briefly until the dizziness passed.

He looked over his shoulder at his father. His father, who had never hit either of his sons in anger, now appeared to not even realize that his eldest was in the room. Matt closed his eyes and fought off the tears building in his eyes, then left the room. He climbed the stairs, returning to the bedroom he always used when he visited his grandparent's house.

He dropped onto the bed and stared out the window, shaking his head in disbelief that his father had punched him. "Mom, what am I gonna do? He's never gonna forgive me for not telling him that you were sick." He finally allowed the tears to fall.

/

An hour later, he carried his bag downstairs. Glancing quickly into the living room, he saw this father sprawled out across the sofa, softly snoring, a framed photo of Jackie clutched against his chest. Matt walked over and pulled the Indian blanket from the back of the sofa and laid it over him. "I'm sorry, Dad," he whispered.

Moving back to the door, he pulled two envelopes from his pocket and placed them on the table by the door. Then he picked up his bag and opened the door. After one last glance at his dad, he quietly pulled the door shut behind him. The cab was pulling up just as he moved down the steps and he quickly walked into the driveway, not wanting the cabbie to honk the horn and wake up the family. He slipped into the back seat, gave the driver his destination, and then leaned back with a sigh. The trip to the airport would be a short one, but the trip home would be never-ending.

/

"Jesse, wake up!" The words sifted through the cobwebs in Jesse's brain. He shifted, then settled back against the cushions, only to be yanked back again into partial wakefulness.

"Damn it, Jesse, wakeup!" Once again, he moved, but this time he slitted his eyes open and tried to identify the voices that drifted around him.

"Neal, look at his hand. He looks like he's hit something. You don't think he hurt Matt, do you?"

"If he did, honey, he will not be allowed back in this house!"

'Matt? Was Matt here? Didn't he remember his son being here?'

"Don't be so harsh, Neal. You know he's still grieving as much as we are."

"Well, he has a sorry way of showing it!" Neal insisted.

'Jackie. Oh God. Jackie was dead.' He closed his eyes again and tried to curl himself into a ball.

"I can't believe he went out and got drunk," Beth said.

"He smells like a brewery, that's for sure. Come on, Jesse, let's get you into the shower, wake you up a bit. No need for Cody to see you like this too."

'Cody? Where is Cody?'

Jesse moved, one leg dropping off the sofa and hitting the floor. Next thing he knew, he was sitting up, no doubt with a bit of assistance from Neal, who stood in front of him. He squinted against the light shining thru the window.

"Ow," he muttered.

Neal laughed. "Yeah, Ow. You feel up to standing?"

"Give me a minute," he rasped, his throat feeling as dry as the desert outside.

"Sure. Think you could eat some breakfast?"

Jesse lifted a hand to his stomach and blanched.

"Maybe just some dry toast and tea," Beth suggested, before she wheeled herself from the room.

"I am so sorry, Neal," Jesse apologized. "I haven't drunk like that since I left the Marines."

Neal lowered himself down beside Jesse. "Grief does that to a man, Jesse. I have to ask...what happened to your hand? Please tell me it was a fight in the bar."

Jesse glanced down, then ran the fingers of his left hand across the knuckles of his right. Then he closed his eyes and moaned, remembering exactly what happened and feeling deeply ashamed.

"I wish I could," he said sadly, shaking his head.

"Oh, Jesse," Neal said, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Where is Matt?"

"Gone."

"What?"

"He went back to Tahoe," Neal said, handing Jesse the letter that Matt had left for his grandfather. Jesse opened it up, wincing as he moved the fingers on his tender hand. A minute later he folded it and slid it back into the envelope.

"He and I have a lot to work out," he muttered.

"Yes, I believe you do."

"I've been so angry at him. Honestly, I still am. I just can't seem to get past it."

"Is that what prompted the fight?" Neal asked.

"It wasn't really a fight. He never hit me back. If he had, as big and strong as he is, I'd likely still be unconscious on the floor."

"Naw. You're still his father. He would have dragged your sorry butt to bed."

Jesse smiled. "Yeah, he probably would have. He's a good son."

"Yes, he is, which is why he kept his promise to his mother."

"Don't start, Neal."

"Jesse, this has to end. Jackie's dead. Matt needs his father now more than ever. Don't let your anger push him away."

Jesse laid his head against the back of the sofa. "I will talk to him, Neal. But right now, I am still so angry with him." He lifted his hand up, examining the bruising on the knuckles. "I can't confront him again when I'm this angry. I may have already broken whatever trust he had in me." He flexed his fingers. "I have to calm down before I approach him again."

"Don't wait too long, Jesse. Every day you wait, he'll grow further away from you."

Jesse just nodded and watched as Neal left the room.

/

Matt Hawkes slid the key into the lock of his front door and pushed the door open. He shuffled through and closed it softly behind him, not wanting to wake his fiancée. He leaned against the door and briefly closed his eyes. It had been a long and difficult flight home. And lonely. The tension between him and his father meant that he travelled to and from Arizona alone, with only his own guilt as company.

What should have been cause for them to lean on each other had instead been days of his father giving him the cold shoulder. Cody had made an effort to talk to him, but whenever their father had entered the room, he'd glare at them, until finally Matt just told Cody to stick close to Jesse and not worry about him. Cody had been uncomfortable with that option, but had followed his brother's wishes.

Of course, Jesse hadn't made it easy for Cody either, pushing him away and growling at him. Cody seemed lost at times. Matt felt guilty for leaving like he did, after promising Cody that he'd be there for him. But maybe with him gone, their Dad would finally realize that Cody needed his father's attention and Jesse would be there for him. He only hoped that his father wouldn't keep drinking. He was a nasty drunk, as attested by the aching side of Matt's face.

But Matt had been gone for two weeks and knew he'd needed to return home anyway. He'd originally planned to return with Cody and Jesse, hoping that he and his father could work out their differences during the trip, but those plans changed when Jesse had struck him. So Matt had headed out alone and now that he was home, he hoped to find some comfort in Robin's arms.

He was tired. So tired. He pushed himself from the door and dragged his weary body down the hall to the bedroom. The door was partially closed and he reached to push it open, but stopped when he heard voices. A female's giggling laughter, followed by a deep male voice.

Shock pushed the tiredness away as he moved closer then stopped when he heard a breathy voice say, "Oh, yeah, that's the spot." The by-play got steamier and more intimate. For a full minute he stood there, mute, the voices of the two lovers slamming daggers into his heart. On shaking knees, he backed away from the door and moved back down the hallway. He was able to make his way outside before his gut forced him to lose the fast food meal he'd eaten just an hour before. He wiped a hand across his mouth then staggered to his truck.

His heart was denying what he'd heard and telling him he should have confronted the pair. But his head was telling him to leave before his anger took control. He'd recognized the male voice and it hurt to know that he'd been betrayed not only by the woman he loved, but also by a man he'd considered a friend.

He twisted the key in the ignition and backed out of the driveway. With no place else to go, and not up to facing the memories at his mother's house, he drove to the Ranger Station. Hopefully, he'd be able to sneak up to his room there. Right now he had no desire to see or talk to anyone.

Luck was with him. Izzy was asleep on the sofa and he made it upstairs and into his room without waking him. He locked the door, slid his jacket off his shoulders, letting it drop to the floor, and walked over to his bed. He sat down, then leaned over and pulled off his boots. Tossing them aside, he lay back on his bed.

Only then did he allow the tears to flow.

/

Morning came too early. He'd slept fitfully, tossing and turning, and waking up several times during the night. He finally got up just before sunrise, showered and heading to the kitchen to make a pot of strong coffee. He debated making a quick breakfast, but decided his stomach was churning too much to be able to keep it down.

He filled his coffee mug and sat down at the table. Wrapping both hands around the warmth from the cup, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply. He was still exhausted and had never felt so alone in his life. At least twice that morning he had moved to call his mother, once actually having the phone ring several times before he remembered...remembered that she'd never answer her phone again.

He was still sitting in the kitchen twenty minutes later when Jim Cutler walked in. Jim was shocked by Matt's appearance. It looked like the man he'd known since high school had aged ten years in the two weeks that he'd been gone. Jim knew that Jackie Hawkes' death would be hard on his friend, but Matt looked ill.

"Hey, buddy. When did you get back?"

Matt looked up, blinking his eyes. "Last night," he replied softly, his voice raspy.

"You okay? You don't look so good." Jim poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down across from his old friend, finally taking a good look at his friend's face. "What the hell happened to your face?!"

Matt didn't answer right away, reaching up to touch what had turned into a black eye overnight. Then he sighed.

"You know, I'm not sure if I'll ever be okay again. My face is just a by-product of the last few days."

"It's been a rough couple weeks, huh?"

"Weeks? Try months. Ever since I found out Mom was sick, things just seemed to spiral downhill. And I don't know how to get back up again."

"It'll work out Matt. You know it will."

Matt shook his head. "I don't know, Jim. Dad is so angry. I've never seen him that mad before, especially not at me."

"Buddy, please don't tell me that he's the one that hit you!" When his friend didn't reply, Cutler cursed. "That son of a bitch!"

Matt smiled. Good ol' Cutler, always willing to stick up for his friends.

"Matt, I don't know what happened between you and your Dad, but I can't believe he hit you! I know that Jackie's death hit him harder than any of us thought it would, but that is no excuse."

"He was drunk. I'm not even sure he'll remember it happened."

"That's no excuse, but maybe, once he calms down..and sobers up," Jim said with a frown, "he'll realize what he did and apologize. Once he accepts he was an idiot, he'll be back."

"I hope you're right, Jim. Because right now I feel like I've lost both of my parents."

Jim reached over and squeezed Matt's arm. "Just don't forget you have friends here, buddy. And, of course, there's always that blond bombshell you're engaged to," he said with a smile.

The look of pain that crossed Matt's face at the mention of Robin Kelly was not something that Jim had expected. Neither was Matt's abrupt departure from the room. Cutler sat back in his chair, unsure of what had just happened, but determined to keep an eye on his friend. Matt didn't need problems with Robin right now on top of his mother's death and whatever was going on with Jesse.

/

For the next week, Matt spent his days at the station, catching up on paperwork and handling the radio and allowing Izzy to go out on the rescues. He knew his head wasn't on his work right now, and didn't want to compromise a rescue by not having his full attention on the job at hand. He told the others that he wanted to give Izzy more rescue experience and they bought it, at least for the moment. Plus there was still a lot of work to do to get ready for the open house that weekend.

And he avoided Robin at every opportunity, sending her on nearly every rescue or finding other things for her to do outside of the station. He just couldn't bring himself to confront her. His mind kept conjuring up other, farfetched, reasons for the things he'd heard coming from their bedroom, but he couldn't get the words out of his brain. He knew Robin was confused about the cold shoulder he was giving her. He also knew that the other Rangers were curious as well.

He'd been spending his nights since his return to Tahoe at his mother's house. She'd signed the deed over to him, with her express wishes that he sell it and split the money with his brother. So he used the excuse that he was packing up the house and getting it ready for sale. He had been painting and doing any small repairs that were needed, but mostly he just relished the solitude.

Robin chalked it up to his grief over his mother's death. At least that's what she told the others. All of the Rangers knew how close Matt had been to his mom and none of them were surprised by his quiet demeanor, Robin least of all. She just didn't understand why he wouldn't let her comfort him. He'd even turned her away when she turned up on the doorstep of his mother's house.

The toughest part for Matt was being at the station and watching them near each other, knowing what they'd done together. He tried to work on the never-ending paperwork that often defined his job, but his mind kept going over incidents from the past six months, wondering if there had been signs that he'd missed.

Who was he kidding? He'd missed _all_ the signs! He idly wondered how long their affair had been going on. Was she seeing him all along, bedding him even before Matt moved in, before he'd asked her to marry him? She'd seemed so happy to accept his proposal and they talked about building a home on the mountain and having a large family. Now, he was just grateful he'd found out before the wedding.

How was he supposed to work with them both, knowing what they'd done behind his back? And he wondered if the others had known and willingly kept their secret. He hoped not. He hoped he still had some friends at the station.

He shook his head and flung aside the report he'd been trying to work on. It landed against a framed photo on his desk, knocking it over. "Damn!" he muttered. He reached for the frame, intending to stand it back upright. But when he looked at the photo, he pulled it closer to him.

It was a family picture, taken just the year before when all four of the Hawkes family had been at Jesse's cabin to celebrate his fiftieth birthday. He stared at his mother's face and wondered if the sickness was in her then. She had still been a beautiful woman.

His grief over his mother's death made his own troubles with Robin seem so inconsequential. He desperately wanted to talk to his father. He wanted to hear his father say he was forgiven. He wanted to hear his father tell him that he loved him. The hardest part of dealing with Jackie's death had been not having his father to lean on. And, oh how he wished he could talk to him about Robin.

It had been almost a month since he spoken to his father, except for the angry words at Jackie's funeral and later the night he'd left Arizona. Matt wasn't even sure if Cody and their father had returned from Arizona yet. He was afraid to ride up to the cabin.

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Sorry, Matt. I know you didn't want to be disturbed, but there's some kid on the phone asking for you."

"Kid? He give a name?"

"Yeah. Tommy."

Matt smiled. "Thanks, Izzy." He reached for the phone. "Hey, Tommy, my man. How's things?"

"Matt! My Mom said we can come to the barbeque tomorrow!"

"Well, that's great! Do you know how to get here?"

"Yep. We looked it up on the computer. What time should we get there?"

"Well, the Rangers will all be here at eight o'clock and we'll have the food ready about ten. But we'll be here all day, until sunset. So you and your mom can come by any time."

"Cool. I can't wait."

"Maybe, if we get a chance, I can take you out for a ride, if it's okay with your mom."

"That would be awesome! I'll ask her. See you tomorrow, Matt."

"See ya, Tommy."

He smiled as he hung up the phone. Something nice in the midst of all the turmoil in his life. He set the photo back in its place and returned to his paperwork, determined to finish it today so that he could enjoy the Open House the next day.

Fifteen minutes later, the door opened again. He looked up to find Robin standing in the doorway, arms folded across her chest, the light bouncing off her engagement ring, mocking him.

"Need something?" he asked.

"As a matter of fact, yes. An explanation would be nice."

"About?"

She slumped into the chair in front of his desk and glared at him. "About why I've barely seen you since you got back from your Arizona. You haven't slept at home since the funeral. Did I do something?"

Matt bit his tongue, fighting the urge to blurt out his accusations. But he was not going to get into it with her at the station.

"I have my reasons."

"Care to share them?" she asked bitterly.

"Not at the moment," he replied, glaring at her. "This is neither the time nor the place."

"Matt, I know you're still grieving..."

"I told you, I didn't want to discuss it here," he growled.

"Fine, then just when _do_ you want to discuss it?!"

"When I'm ready."

"Why won't you let me help you?" she pleaded.

"I don't need your help." He grimaced at the hurt expression that flitted across her face, but hardened himself against feeling guilty about it. He watched as she stood up and left the room without saying more, slamming the door behind her.

He sighed and closed his eyes, rubbing a hand across his forehead, trying to quell the headache that was suddenly screaming at him. He knew things would be coming to a head soon and wished he could talk to someone about it before what was left of his life disintegrated.

/

The day of the Open House bloomed bright and sunny. A large number of people had shown up and the Rangers and Sheriff's deputy were enjoying showing the citizens of Tahoe what their taxpayer money was being spent on. Matt left his office and forced a happy face.

He walked outside just as his father and Cody rode up. He was surprised to see them. This was the fifth year for the barbeque and Open House, and the two of them had always looked forward to being there and joining in. He just hadn't been sure they'd show up this year, and frankly wasn't sure if he was grateful they were there or not.

Cody took the reins from his father and led both horses to the barn. Jesse walked up the steps and stood next to his son.

"What can we do to help?" he asked, not looking Matt in the eyes, obviously still angry, even a month after Jackie's funeral.

"Check with Izzy, he's handling things this morning."

Jesse just nodded and moved to head inside.

"Dad?" Jesse stopped, but didn't turned to look at Matt. "Thanks for coming."

"I'll always be there when the Rangers need me, Mathew," he said before continuing on his way.

"Yeah. The Rangers," Matt said under his breath. "What about when your son needs you?"

Matt was still standing on the porch five minutes later when Cody exited the barn. The younger Hawkes brother was shocked at his brother's appearance. Matt looked exhausted and he'd lost weight. He almost seemed...fragile. Cody shook his head at that thought. His brother was not the fragile sort.

He was moving to join his brother when Robin came around the back of the station, laughing at something Cutler was saying.

"Cody!" she called, running up and hugging him. "Where have you been keeping yourself? I never see you anymore."

Cody shrugged. "We've had a lot to do around the cabin," he said, glancing over at his brother, who had reacted when Robin called out.

"Give us a hand?" she asked, grabbing his arm and leading him over to one of the Ranger vehicles. He started to tell her no since he wanted to speak to Matt, but when his brother turned to walk the other way, Cody relented. He'd seen his brother's glare, but for some reason, it seemed aimed at Robin, not Cody.

He figured Matt was mad at him, since he hadn't been down to visit since they got back from Arizona. But Cody had been dealing with his own, and his father's, grief. And just felt that his dad needed him. Matt had Robin to help him through their mother's death. Cody and Jesse were relying on each other.

He also knew that his father was still angry at Matt. And Cody was caught between his father and his brother, and didn't like being in the middle. He'd known that his father still loved his mother, and always would. However, even knowing that, the depth of Jesse's grief still surprised him. And Matt's seeming betrayal had only deepened that grief. It was like he's lost not only the woman he loved, but a son as well.

He hoped they could at least be civil to each other today and not air their personal problems in public. He sighed. It was likely to be a very long day.

/

Tommy and Sadie had arrived around noon and immediately greeted Matt, as he was the only familiar face they saw. Matt gave them a tour of the Ranger Station and introduced him to everyone. Tommy and Cody hit it off and Cody was the one who ended up taking him on his ride, while Sadie sat down next to Matt at one of the picnic tables that had been brought in just for the day.

"So, are you enjoying yourself?" Matt asked.

She smiled. "Actually, I really am. Thanks for inviting us. Tommy is having a blast. You're brother has been spending a lot of time with him."

"Cody's a good kid. And he'll use any excuse to take a ride."

"He invited Tommy up to go fishing at your dad's cabin."

"Tommy told me. He seems excited about it. What about you? You seem to have been able to make some friends today."

"Yes, I met some very nice people today, including your father. He's very proud of you. He couldn't stop talking about you and Cody."

Matt looked over to find his father manning the grill, flipping burgers and turning hotdogs.

"Yeah. I love my Dad and Cody a lot. They're both great people," he said with a sad smile.

"He said that you're getting married soon."

The smile dropped from Matt's face. "Was supposed to, but some complications came up."

Sadie frowned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up a touchy subject."

"It's a pretty recent problem. My family...well, I haven't told them yet."

"I hope things can be worked out."

Matt looked over at Robin, who was having a pushing and shoving match with Hart and Cutler. Her nearness to 'him' caused a flash of jealousy.

"I doubt it," it muttered.

"Matt...maybe it's none of my business...but are you okay? You aren't looking well at all."

He snorted. "It's just been a long few months. My, ah, my mother died recently. She'd been sick for a while. It's been hard. We were very close."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. No wonder you look so pained."

A young boy's yell saved him from having to respond. "Mom! Come quick. Frank's gonna show me his helicopter."

Sadie smiled at her son and laughed. "Can't miss that, now can we?" she said, allowing her son to grab her hand and drag her along.

Matt smiled at the boy's exuberance, but lost the smile when he again spotted Robin across the way. He closed his eyes and sighed. Standing up, he headed over to a new group of people just arriving, plastering a smile on his face.

Matt was able to keep busy and avoid Robin all day, although she threw him quite a few looks during the Open House. He had also seen her talking to Jesse, and knew from the glares sent his way, that things hadn't improved on that front. Both Jesse and Cody were fond of Robin, and had been looking forward to the wedding. In fact, Robin had already asked Jesse to give her away, since her own father couldn't be there.

He shook his head, dreading the conversations he knew he would be having in the near future. He figured he might as well tackle Robin first. He needed to get some clean clothes, which were all still at the apartment that they'd shared, so he was going to have to make a trip there anyway. When it looked like the festivities were winding down, he walked Tommy and Sadie to their car, said goodbye to several other people he knew, then headed up to his room. Pulling an old, empty duffle bag from under the bed, he slapped off the dust, coughing as it flitted into the air. He folded it and stuffed it under his arm.

Grabbing an empty box from the kitchen, he told Izzy he was leaving, got into his truck and headed to Robin's apartment. He'd get his gear packed and wait for her to return.

Matt was in the process of stuffing the last of his clothing into the old duffle when he heard the door open. He froze and closed his eyes. Time had run out. He knew he needed to have this conversation, yet he still dreaded it.

"Matt, are you home?" Robin called from the living room.

He moved out of the closet, hefting the heavy bag over his shoulder and refusing to look at the bed where her betrayal had occurred. He dropped the duffle on the floor behind the sofa. She glanced at it and then up into his face.

"Spring cleaning?" she joked.

"No," he said. "We need to talk."

The smile left her face and she sank down into the chair she was standing in front of. "You've been avoiding me since you got back from the funeral, staying at the station. Did I do something wrong? What's going on, Matt? "

"I'd think that's pretty obvious," he said, picking up some photos from the mantel and placing them in a small box he'd brought along.

"You're leaving? Why?" she cried, slumping even further into the cushion.

"I think you know why." When she began shaking her head, he continued. "I can't do this, Robin. I can't begin a marriage on a lie."

"A lie? What lie?" she asked.

Matt carried the box into the kitchen. He placed his favorite coffee mug into the box, then carried it over to the door and set it on the floor.

"I know about you and Tim, Robin." She shook her head. He wasn't sure if she was attempting to deny their relationship or just too shocked that he'd found out, to respond. "Don't try to deny it, Robin. It may have taken me awhile to figure it out, but don't lie about it now."

"Matt, please! Can we talk about it?" she asked, her eyes watering.

"What's to talk about? You can't expect me to marry you after you cheated on me."

"It's over between Tim and I, Matt. I promise."

"Really? So, you ended it when? Yesterday?"

"Matt, Tim doesn't mean anything to me," she insisted.

"It doesn't matter."

"I love you!"

"If you did, you never would have slept with Hart." He wanted to get angry, but all he felt was numbness.

"How.." she swallowed. "How did you find out? No one else knew."

Matt felt a small grain of relief. At least the rest of his Rangers hadn't also been lying to him.

"I actually arrived back from Arizona earlier than you thought. I came home, hoping to get some comfort from my loving fiancée. Instead, I hear her in the bedroom having sex with another man."

"Oh, god!" she exclaimed

"Yeah, that was part of what I heard, although not quite in the same context," he said, bitterly.

Robin closed her eyes, shame rolling through her.

"Matt, I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry!"

"I'll be staying at Mom's house until it sells. I have my clothes and will come back tomorrow and get the rest of my stuff."

He moved to pick up his duffle, but stopped when Robin grabbed his arm.

"Matt, please," she begged.

He wanted to jerk his arm out of her hand. Instead, he gently pulled her fingers away from his skin. He saw the tears falling down her cheeks and had to fight his own instincts to gather her into his arms and forgive her.

But he just didn't think that this transgression was something he could forgive.

He leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Have a nice life, Robin. I have to go," he said quietly, his own heart shattering into tiny pieces. He again reached down for his duffle, but stopped at Robin's next outburst.

"You can't go! I'm pregnant!" she blurted out.


	6. Chapter 6

**_CHAPTER 6_**

Back at the station, Cody was helping the other Rangers clean up. He watched his father joking around with Tim and Frank, although he could still see the pain that had been lingering in his father's eyes since he'd found out about his wife's illness and her subsequent death.

Cody had seen Matt leave earlier and guessed it was his big brother's way of avoiding yet another argument with their father. He sighed. He missed Matt. Spring had finally and fully arrived in Lake Tahoe and he wanted to spend time with his brother, like they always did. But the tension between Matt and their father was still strong.

"Son, are you ready to go?"

Cody bit his lip. "Ah, Dad, is it okay if I stay in town for a couple days?"

"May I ask why?"

"I want to spend some time with Matt," he said, timidly.

Jesse's jaw tightened, then he sighed and looked away.

"I'm sorry, boy. I guess my issues with your brother haven't made it easy for you, have they? I never meant to put you in the middle of all this."

"So, I can stay?"

Jesse turned back to Cody and smiled. "Of course you can stay. And Cody, just so you know. I will work this out with your brother. I just need more time."

"I know. Just remember that he's your son, and you love him, and everything will work out in the end."

"I love you, boy." Jesse pulled his youngest to his chest, hugging him tightly.

"Love you too, Dad."

"Tell your brother...tell him I love him."

Cody smiled. "I will."

"I'll see you at home in a couple of days then."

Cody nodded and walked with his father to the barn, where Jesse saddled his horse and headed back up the mountain, after giving Cody another long hug.

The youngest Hawkes approached Cutler. "Hey Jim, can you give me a ride over to Matt's?"

/

"Pregnant." Matt replied, moving to sit on the sofa. "Whose is it?"

Robin spun around. "Yours! Who else's...?"

Matt's only reply to that was a raised eyebrow.

"Matt. I'm sure this baby is yours."

"How can you be so sure?" He shook his head. This was a complication that he hadn't expected, certainly didn't need, and wasn't sure how to deal with. "Tell me something, Robin. Just exactly how long have you and Tim been...you know?" he asked.

She looked away. "Off and on, about nine months."

"So, before we ever got engaged." He smirked. "I have to admit. You're good at sneaking around. I never suspected a thing until the other night when I walked in and heard you together. The two of you must have been laughing your asses off about how stupid I've been not to notice."

"Matt. It wasn't like that..." she stopped, knowing that it wasn't helping her cause.

"We've been together for a year, Robin. I asked you to marry me just six months ago. We planned to be married next spring. Did you figure on continuing your little affair after the wedding?" he growled.

"No...of course not. I asked him to come over that night to...to end it with him," she finished quietly, digging the hole deeper.

"That worked out real well, didn't it?" he remarked angrily. He shot up from the sofa and walked to the window, staring out at the mountains he loved. He shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes. "I loved you so much, Robin. I dreamed about being married to you, having a houseful of kids."

"We can still have that, Matt."

"No, we can't. You made sure of that. How do you expect me to ever be able to trust you again? How am I supposed to trust Hart?" He leaned his forehead against the window. "How am I supposed to work with you, see the two of you every day at the station, knowing what you did?"

"I don't know. But we have a baby to think about now?"

He wiped his eyes and turned to face his former fiancée. The stern look on his face chilled her. "I think I'll need proof that the baby is mine."

"Of course it's yours! I think I'm about eight weeks along. Tim and I weren't...intimate...during the time the baby was conceived."

Matt choked out a bitter laugh. "And I'm just supposed to take your word for that? I don't think so, sweetheart. And we both know that this early in a pregnancy, it's difficult to be certain how far along you really are. If this is my child, I will take full responsibility in helping you to raise it. But I won't just take your word that it's mine. You can't expect me to trust you that much, under the circumstances. I won't raise another man's child, not under these circumstances. I'll need proof. Official, documented proof."

"Fine!" she spat. "I'll call the doctor, see if there is some way to verify it's yours before the baby is born!"

"Good. I'll expect to hear from you then." He moved toward the door, grabbing his duffle and the small box on his way.

He moved through the door, reaching back to pull it closed, only to have it slammed in his face. He stumbled back, nearly tripping down the steps, catching himself at the last second.

He shook his head, not uttering the oath that instantly flashed through his mind. She had no right to be angry, as far as he was concerned. He moved down the stairs and shoved the duffle into the rear seat of his truck, setting the box of breakable items on the floor by the front passenger seat.

Climbing behind the wheel, he started the vehicle and put it in reverse. He glanced up at the window of the apartment he'd shared with Robin for most of the last nine months. Nine months.

The time it takes for a baby to be born. Dropping his head on the steering wheel, he sighed. He'd been hoping for a clean break. At least as clean as could be if they had to continue working together.

But a baby complicated matters. Lifting his head, he backed out of the parking space and headed back to his Mom's house. He wished he could just take a month off and leave for a while. But he still had a job to do. Everything else in his life was falling apart, but he was determined that he not allow his Rangers to follow suit.

/

Cutler dropped Cody off in front of the apartment building and left, heading to his own apartment five miles away. Cody jogged up the steps and knocked on the door, a smile on his face. He didn't see Matt's truck, but hoped either he or Robin were home. If not, he'd just have to camp on the steps until they returned.

Seconds later the door open. "Matt...oh, Cody," she said, disappointed.

"Don't sound so excited...Hey, are you okay?" Cody recognized by the reddened eyes that Robin had been crying.

She just turned around and walked back into the apartment. Cody followed, closing the door behind him. He found Robin curled up on the sofa, her face buried in a pillow she was hugging to her chest. He could hear her muffled sobs.

Sitting down next to her, Cody pulled her to him, rubbing a hand up and down her back.

"Shhh. Calm down. What's wrong, Robin? Where's Matt?"

After a minute, Robin pulled back, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her sweater.

"He's gone," she exclaimed sadly. "Decided he didn't want to be together anymore."

"What?!" Cody was shocked. He knew his brother loved Robin and couldn't understand what would cause him to walk away from her.

"It's such a mess, Cody."

"Why?"

She just shook her head and began crying again. Cody pulled her back into a hug and sat back, rocking and trying to calm her down again. Eventually, she fell asleep in his arms. He stayed there, holding her, wondering just what had gone wrong between her and his brother. He decided to stay until she woke up to see if he could get a clearer answer from her.

He looked around the small apartment, noticing that many of the photos that once sat on the mantel were now gone, as was a small angel figurine that Matt had received from Jackie on his thirteenth birthday. He didn't understand what could have gone wrong. What could have happened to make Matt leave the woman he loved?

/

The next morning, Matt woke up and slipped on an old t-shirt and his rattiest jeans. He had finished with most of the painting he planned to do, but wanted to remove the gaudy wall paper in the bathroom. He'd contacted a real estate agent who would be coming out on Monday to check the house and settle on a listing price.

He hoped to get enough money from the sale to put a hefty down payment on a home of his own, preferably something a bit out of town with some land. His heart ached, knowing that just last week he would have been looking for property to settle down with Robin. Now, he would be living there alone.

Cody planned to use part of his share for college and would bank the rest for use later if he found his own property, likely up on the mountain near their dad. He smiled as he imagine Cody with a wife and kids of his own someday. His younger brother would make a good father.

For the next two hours, Matt lost himself in the work, reliving memories of his mother, some good, some not so good. He'd taken the day off, leaving Hart in charge, smugly knowing that at least the man wouldn't be in bed with Robin for that day. He vowed not to answer the phone and indeed had let it ring the three times he'd heard it. His mother had never owned an answering machine, insisting that if someone called and she didn't answer, they could just call back if it was so important.

He pulled the last of the ugly pink and green flowered paper from the wall, then closed up the trash bag and carried it into the kitchen. Stopping by the fridge, he grabbed a beer from the top shelf. He walked into the living room, twisting off the top. He took a long pull, then rolled the cold bottle across his forehead.

He heard the front door open and hurried footsteps coming up the stairs. Only two other people had the key to this house, and he prayed it was Cody and not his father. He just didn't think he could handle his dad right now.

He stood in the living room, watching to see who came around the corner, relaxing when he recognized his brother. He smiled.

"Hey, Code," he said as his brother approached.

The next think he knew, he was flat on the floor, staring up at his angry brother, the pain in his jaw registering a moment later. He'd dropped the bottle, the remaining liquid spilling across the carpet. Cody stood over him, his chest heaving, fists clenched.

"What the hell?!"

"Don't get up," Cody ordered. "I'll just put you down again!"

"What the fuck is your problem?" Matt growled, rolling to his feet.

Cody swung again. Matt ducked and slammed his fist into Cody's stomach, then pushed his younger brother against the wall.

"What the hell was that for?!" he screamed.

"Like you don't know," Cody snarled. "What kind of man are you?"

"Cody, I don't have a clue what your problem is, but you better explain quick before I toss you

out of here on your ass. And you know I can do it!"

"Let go of me!"

"Not until you tell me what's the hell your problem is."

"You!" Cody screamed, slamming his palm against Matt's chest. "You're my problem! Mine and everyone else's! Now let go!"

"I want an explanation."

"What kind of man leaves his girlfriend when she gets pregnant with his child?" he replied with a growl.

Matt shook his head and backed away. "You've been talking to Robin," he stated.

"Talking?" he smirked. "Yeah, we talked. Then she cried herself to sleep. Because of you. You promise to marry her, you fuck her, then you leave when she tells you she's pregnant," he said through clenched teeth.

Matt smiled and shook his head. "That what she told you? That I left her because she got pregnant?"

"You telling me that's not what happened?"

After a full minute of eye-to-eye contact, Matt muttered, "Go away, Cody." He started to walk away, only to stumble when Cody shoved him.

He turned to face his angry brother, but all the fight had drained out of him.

"I used to respect you, admire you even," Cody said. "But I can see my respect was misplaced. You not only betrayed me and Dad, but Robin too. And worst of all, your own child."

Matt couldn't bear to see the disgust that Cody was aiming his way, so he closed his eyes and sank down on the sofa.

"If you believe that, than you don't know me at all," he said quietly.

"You gonna tell me you didn't move out when she told you she was having your kid?" Cody asked.

"I did leave the same day she told me she was pregnant, but the sequence of events was a bit different then she led you to believe."

"What the hell does that mean?" Cody asked.

"I don't suppose it's really important now," he said sadly. "I thought you knew me, Cody. I always thought...I thought that you knew me better than anyone else. I guess I was wrong." He gazed at the floor, idly wondering if he'd have to replace the carpet or if the beer stain would come out. And discovering that he didn't really care.

The ringing phone startled both of them. Matt turned to stare at the phone on the wall. Sighing, he pushed to his feet. If nothing else, the call would give him a reprieve.

"Hawkes," he answered. "Hey, Iz...where's Hart?...Yeah, okay, I'll be right there. Have Frank get the bird ready. He can drop me and Cutler...and just so you know, Robin is off the active list right now...no, she's off today, but make sure you have all your gear ready for tomorrow. As of now, she'll be taking over the radio for a while, so you'll need to be ready to go into the field...Later, Izzy."

Matt hung up the phone and grabbed his keys. "Lock up when you leave," he told Cody as he left.

Cody walked over to the window and watched his brother climb into his truck, looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Once Matt was out of sight, Cody turned and looked at the room. The place looked good with the new paint, he noticed. It was the first time he'd been here since the funeral. He knew Matt was putting it on the market, per their mother's instructions. They'd talked about it in the days leading up to Jackie's death.

He noticed the slight pain in his right hand. Lifting it up, he saw the scrape on his knuckle. He closed his eyes, remembering his fist slamming into his brother's jaw and wondered at his brother's response to his accusations. He rubbed his stomach where Matt's fist had connected.

_Thinking back to the night before, he remembered getting a disjointed story from Robin. After she'd woken back up that morning, they'd talked again. Between bouts of sobbing, it came out that she was pregnant and that Matt had left. It had made Cody so angry to think that his brother would leave his pregnant fiancée, he'd grabbed Robin's keys and dashed out the door, intent on confronting his brother. He remembered Robin running after him. _

_"Cody! Wait! Where are you going?" she called. _

_"I plan to go over and set my brother straight on his responsibility!" He started the little sedan and quickly pulled out of the parking lot, heading for his mother's house, where Robin said Matt would be staying. _

His brother hadn't denied the allegations, but he hadn't admitted it either. Cody did not want to believe that the brother he admired and looked up to would be that selfish or uncaring. Needing to speak to his father, Cody stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him and drove to the Ranger station. He dropped Robin's keys off there and retrieved his horse. Izzy promised to make sure Robin got her truck back once the other Rangers returned from their calls.

/

"Dad!" Cody called as he came in through the door of the cabin. "Dad, are you here?"

His father's horse was in the barn, so he probably wasn't far. Looking around, he noticed one of the fishing poles gone and knew just where to look. Heading back outside, he walked around the side of the cabin and heading toward the lake.

Fifteen minutes later, he saw his father perched on a log, casting his line out into the water. Cody took a deep breath. He was still really angry at Matt and didn't want to take it out on his father. He knew this news would make his father even more upset with his oldest son.

And at that thought, he wondered if he should even bother to tell him.

"Are you going to stand there all day, son, or come over here and tell me what's bothering you?"

Cody smiled. His father always seemed to know when someone else was nearby. And he also knew when Cody was upset about something. How he could do that when he hadn't even looked the teen's way, Cody had no clue. But he was used to it and should have known he couldn't keep something this important from his father, anyway.

He settled onto the log next his father, absently petting the dog that had moved over to greet him. He worried about how to voice this latest disruption in the lives of the Hawkes men, but before he could say anything, Jesse reeled in his line and set the fishing pole aside.

"I thought you were going to stay with your brother for a few days."

"I was," Cody replied, frowning.

"So then why are you back here so soon? You and your brother have a fight?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Big time."

"Tell me."

"Did you know that Matt hasn't been home since he got back from Arizona?"

"Yes. Robin mentioned something about it. She thought he was still trying to work his way through his grief. Although I can't for the life of me figure out why he won't let her help," Jesse groused.

"Because he moved out, told her he didn't want to marry her after all," Cody supplied.

"What!? What is that boy thinking?"

"That's not all, Dad." Cody looked up into his father's eyes. "Robin's pregnant."

For a long few minutes, Jesse said nothing, but Cody could feel the anger welling up again. When Jesse spoke, his quiet voice belied the rage he felt at his eldest son. He stood up and began pacing back and forth along the lake front.

"I cannot believe that boy would shirk his responsibilities. He is letting his mother's death suck all the common sense and decency right out of him. I taught him better than that!"

"I was so mad, I hit him, Dad," Cody admitted. When Jesse turned to look at him in shock, he continued. "Punched him right in the face."

Jesse sighed and closed his eyes. "Is he okay?"

"I guess," Cody shrugged. "He left a few minutes later on a call." After several long moments of silence, Cody looked up at his father. "Aren't you going to yell at me, tell me that isn't the way Hawkes men settle their differences?"

"I should, but I'd be a hypocrite if I did," Jesse replied, sitting back down next to his son.

"What do you mean?"

Jesse rubbed a hand across his face. "I was hoping that this would never come up. It shames me to admit it."

"Admit what?" Cody asked, confused.

"The night before your brother left Arizona, he and I had words. I punched him."

"Really!"

"I'm not proud of the fact. In fact, I barely remember it. I was drunk, Cody. Drunk and angry and your brother happened to be there as a convenient punching bag. It's one of the reasons I'm finding it so hard to talk to him now."

"I guess that's why you don't want us to drink, huh?"

Jesse smiled. "Yeah, one of the reasons." He should his head. "I can be a nasty drunk, Cody. It's why I stopped drinking so much after I met your mother. I didn't ever want to hurt her. And after you and Matt were born, I only had the occasional beer or shot of whiskey. But that night, I was hurting so badly and grieving so deeply, that it seemed to be the only way to get through it."

"You could have just come talk to me."

Jesse shook his head. "No, I was in so much pain. I couldn't handle your pain or anyone else's right then. And I can never tell you how sorry I am that I couldn't be there for you then, son," Jesse said, his voice cracking at the admission. "I couldn't handle my own grief. Anyone else's would have been too much. I knew that Matt and your Grandparents would help you."

"They would have helped you too, Dad."

"At the time, I didn't want anyone's help. I wasn't prepared to let anyone in."

Cody stood up and walked toward the lake. Along the way he picked up a handful of pebbles and began skimming them along the water's surface. Several minutes later he felt his father's hand on his shoulder. It wasn't until then that he realized he was crying.

"I still miss her, Dad. I think back to all the time we wasted. All the times I begged you to let me stay at the cabin when she asked me to come visit. I was content for it to be just you and me, with Matt coming up when he could." He looked up into his father's face, seeing the tears mirrored on the craggy, sun darkened skin of the older man.

"It was just you and me for a long time, wasn't it son?" Jesse asked. "We didn't need anyone else. We still don't."

"I feel so guilty, Dad. She wanted me to come down and I put her off. I always thought there would be time later, next month, or next year. She probably thought I hated her."

Jesse pulled the sobbing boy to his chest. "Don't think that, Cody. Your mother knew that you loved her. And she loved you. You have nothing to feel guilty about, son."

Father and son held each other close, each finally able to cry, leaning on the other for comfort.

/

The phone interrupted Matt as he signed the check that needed to go out for the replacement carabineers he'd order two weeks before. Absentmindedly he reached for it.

"High Mountain Rangers, Commander Hawkes."

"Matt! Matt, you have to come! He's beating her up!"

"Tommy?! Where are you?" Matt asked, standing quickly.

"At home! Matt, he's here!"

"Who, Tommy? Who's hurting your mom?"

"My Dad! Matt, please hurry?"

"Tommy, I'm on my way. Hang up and call 9-1-1, there might be a policeman closer to your house."

"Okay. Hurry, Matt!"

Matt tossed the phone receiver toward its base, not caring if it landed right or not. He ran from the room and grabbed a radio, yelling at Cutler as he did.

"Jim! I need your help."

Cutler raced after him and both jumped into Matt's Ranger vehicle and sped out of the parking lot, overhead lights flashing red and blue as he whipped the vehicle onto the road.

When they arrived at the small house, four Sheriff's vehicles were parked in front, as was an ambulance. As Matt hopped out of his car, he saw the paramedics wheeling out a gurney. They didn't appear to be in a hurry, and Matt hoped it was because Sadie wasn't seriously injured. As he got closer, he saw that she was awake and talking.

Tommy was walking behind the gurney, his eyes on his mother, tears falling down his cheeks. When he spotted Matt, he called out and ran toward him. Matt dropped to one knee and Tommy crashed into him, almost knocking him over. The Ranger wrapped his arms around the small boy and let him gasped out his story between sobs.

"She's hurt, Matt!...He hit...her with a...big stick...I hate him! He...wouldn't stop...she was crying...and kept yell...yelling at him to stop...I tried to...help her but...he pushed...pushed me down."

"Where is your dad, Tommy?"

"I don't know. He...ran away when...he heard the...sirens." The boy's sobs got louder.

"Shhh. It's okay, Tommy. Your mom is gonna be fine."

"Tommy!" Both turned at the yell from Sadie. Tommy pulled out of his arms and raced toward the ambulance, Matt on his heels.

Once Sadie saw that her son was okay, she calmed down. Matt convinced her to let the paramedics take her to the hospital, he assured her he would bring Tommy there himself to see her. The ambulance drove away as Matt stood next the Tommy, an arm around his shoulder in comfort.

"Matt?"

The blond Ranger turned to find Sheriff Mike McBride behind him, with the female officer that Tommy had been talking to when Matt arrived.

"Hey, Mac. Just a second." Putting a hand on Tommy's head, he leaned down. "Tommy, why don't you go with Linda and get a change of clothes for both you and your mom, then we'll head to the hospital. And bring something with you to read or play with, in case we have to wait awhile."

He glanced up at Deputy Linda Grayson, who nodded and went with the boy into the house.

"You know the family, Matt?" McBride asked.

"Somewhat. Tommy was in one of the classes at the Elementary School this year when I gave the Ranger talk. And I met his mom later. They both came to the Open House, and Cody took him fishing last weekend. He called me when his dad showed up."

"You met the father?"

Matt shook his head. "No. They moved here from Vegas. I guess dad was an abuser. Got clear evidence of that now. By the way, he assaulted Tommy too, today, in case you didn't have that information."

"Yeah, he gave us the full story while the paramedics were treating his mom."

"Dad got away?" Matt asked.

"Looks that way. Dispatch is trying to locate vehicle information on him and checking with local hotels and motels. Maybe we'll get lucky."

"Maybe."

"Any other family in town? Not sure how long social services will be," Mike said.

"Not that I know of, but I can ask him. I'll be taking him to see his mom at the hospital. She might not be admitted. If she is, we can deal with social services then. If they are as useless as they usually are, I'll take him home with me tonight. If need be, I think his mom will give permission for that."

McBride just nodded as Tommy and Deputy Grayson came back outside, a small gym bag in her hand. She handed it to Matt then left to go back inside and assist with processing the crime scene.

"You ready, kiddo?" Tommy just nodded, sniffling away the lingering effects of his crying, wiping his shirt sleeve across his eyes. "We'll see you later, Mike. Call me on my cellphone or the Ranger radio if you need me."

"Will do. Matt, by the way, I was sorry to hear about your mom. She was a good woman."

"Yeah. Thanks."

Matt turned and took Tommy over to his truck. Cutler joined them and they dropped him off at the Ranger station on the way to the hospital. They arrived at the hospital to learn that Sadie was getting some x-rays done, so they moved into the waiting room and settled in.

Matt was able to learn more about Tommy's dad during the two hours they waited and relayed the important bits to Mike McBride. Luckily, Sadie didn't have any life-threatening injuries and the doctor released her. Since she didn't feel safe at her own home, Matt set her and Tommy up at his mother's house, after swinging by her residence first so she could pack more clothing and other items she thought they'd need.

It was late when they arrived back at Jackie's house and Matt offered to fix dinner while Sadie and Tommy watched a bit of television. After dinner they all went to sleep, tired from the day's events.

/

The next morning, the team had an early call out. After completing the rescue, Avila flew the rescued climbers to the hospital to get checked out, then flew Matt and Cutler back to the station after fueling up. As the two Rangers came through the back door, they heard loud voices from the main room. Matt just wanted to turn around, climb in his truck and go back home.

He shook his head and glanced at Cutler.

"Courage, Matt," his friend teased. If only he knew, Matt thought, just how much courage it was taking him to continue on into the room.

He stood in the entrance from the kitchen, watching Robin cry while Hart and Izzy tried to get her to calm down and tell them what was wrong.

He whistled and silence fell over the room. For about ten seconds.

"Matt, I'm sorry..." Robin cried.

"What the hell is going on?" Hart asked, while Izzy just settled back into his chair behind the desk, wondering what all the fuss was about.

"Shut up!" Matt yelled. "Just shut the fuck up, all of you!" The others were shock, since Matt was not one to cuss normally. He took a deep breath. Time to just deal with it, he thought. Get everything out and let the cards fall where they may. "Robin. My office," he ordered. "Izzy, Cutler...go...go find something to do...out of the station."

"Matt..."

"No, Jim. Let me deal with all of this. Give me thirty minutes. Why don't you grab Frank and go get some lunch or something. He's out back securing the bird. Hart...stick around for a few minutes."

"Matt, someone needs to man the phones," Izzy reminded him.

Matt sighed and rubbed his forehead, trying to rub away the headache that seemed to be splitting his skull in two.

"You're right. Hart, watch the phones. If anything comes up, let Jim know and he can handle it. Jim, take a radio with you. Once I'm done with Robin," he gestured toward his office, "Hart, you and I need to talk."

Tim nodded and silently replaced Izzy, who left with Cutler.

Matt slowly walked to his office, followed by Robin. He closed the door then moved to sit behind his desk. He looked at Robin and was again reminded of the words he'd heard spoken the night he'd arrived home unexpectedly.

He took a deep breath and briefly closed his eyes.

"Speak your piece, Robin."

"Matt, I am so sorry," she said, tears in her eyes. "Cody misunderstood. I never told him you left because I was pregnant, but he stormed out before I could correct him." Matt nodded.

"The doctor?"

"I have an appointment Monday morning at eleven."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

Robin hesitated, not because she didn't want him there, but because she wasn't sure he really wanted to be there himself and she didn't want to make things any more difficult than they already were.

"No."

"Fine. If you change your mind, just let me know. What about Tim? Have you told him?"

She shook her head. "No. I'll wait until I hear what the doctor says." He nodded. "Matt. Can we talk about..."

He shook his head. "Don't even ask, Robin. We are through."

"I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did."

"Tim..."

"Both of you betrayed me, Robin. I can never forget that. And I can never forgive what you did."

"I love you, Matt."

"Too bad you didn't remember that before you decided to sleep with Hart."

She slumped further in her seat. "I am sorry."

"So am I. You realize that you'll be taking over for Izzy, handling the phones and radio?"

"I can still do my job!" she insisted. "You don't have to punish me."

"Regulations, Robin. As soon as I became aware of your condition I was obligated to take you off field duty. It's a liability issue."

She frowned. She hated working the desk. "Fine," she pouted, crossing her arms across her chest.

"I don't need attitude from you. You're a professional-act like it."

"Yes, Sir, Commander!" she said sarcastically, jumping up and saluting him before stomping out of the office, flinging the door open, only to have it slam against the wall, knocking a framed certificate to the floor, glass shattering on impact.

"That'll come out of your next paycheck," he called after her.

He heard her muttering under her breath as she took up her new position behind the desk.

"Matt?"

"Come on in, Tim. And close the door."

"What's going on, boss?" Hart asked as he sat down.

Matt clasped his hands together on top of his desk and took a deep breath before looking up and looking Hart in the eye.

"I thought we were friends, Tim."

"We are," Hart insisted, confused.

"That why you slept with my fiancée?"

For a long minute, Tim didn't reply. Then, like he'd finally been relieved of a huge burden, he slumped down in the chair. Leaning his head against the back of the chair, he stared at the ceiling.

"I don't know how it happened, Matt, but I fell in love with Robin."

"You should have said something to her. Or to me. Instead, you continued sleeping with her, even after we got engaged."

"She didn't complain," he remarked.

"Tim, I respect you as a Ranger. I respect your abilities. But I don't respect you as a man. A man wouldn't have stabbed a friend in the back."

Hart's gaze dropped to the floor. "Do you want me to quit?"

Matt was sorely tempted to say yes. He wanted to tell Hart to pack his bags and catch the first plane back to Brooklyn. As Robin's former fiancée he wouldn't be sorry to see the back end of the man.

But as a Commander of the High Mountain Rangers, he needed all the experienced people he could get. He stood up and turned his back on Hart, gazing out the window toward the mountains.

"If you had asked me that last week, I would have helped you pack without a second thought," Matt said. "But, I have to think about the job we do here. I can't afford to let an experienced Ranger leave because of my personal feelings." He turned and sat back on the wide window sill, his hands grasping the edge of the sill. "I can't tell you how hard it's been for me not to just deck you. To toss both of you out on your asses and say good riddance," he said, tight jawed.

"Matt..."

He raised his hands, stopping Hart's words. "I don't want to hear it. You betrayed me. You and Robin both. So, I would suggest, for the foreseeable future, that you keep your distance from me when we're not on an active rescue. I'll likely be pairing you with Cutler or Frank for at least the next few weeks, because I really don't want to deal with you."

"I understand."

"I'm not sure you do. I want to puke every time I look at either of you," he stated forcefully. "And I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my feelings to myself if I have to spend too much time around you. I hope, with time, that that feeling will ease. But for now, just steer clear of me."

Tim nodded. Matt turned back around to stare out the window. Hart took that as his cue to leave the room, closing the door behind him. Matt tightly closed his eyes, in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. Taking several deep and trembling breaths, he got his emotions temporarily under control, before heading back out into the main room.

Hart was milling around the room, while a disgruntled Robin sat behind the radio desk.

"The two of you need to figure out how much you want to tell the others. You can tell them the whole story or nothing at all. All they'll hear from me is that Robin and I decided to go our separate ways. Anything more is up to you." He grabbed a radio from behind the desk. "I'll be out on patrol."

With that he walked out of the room. Robin and Tim watched him go, each feeling guilt at the weight that their friend carried on his shoulders.


	7. Chapter 7

**_CHAPTER 7_**

Less than a week later, Sadie decided she wanted to go home. Matt was sorry to see them go. He and Tommy had been able to spend a lot of time together and Matt began to wonder what it would be like to have a child of his own. A son.

Matt tried to persuade her to stay until they'd captured her ex-husband, Mark Gillfoil, but she was stubborn about it. And since he really couldn't force her, he did the only thing he could. He called the Sheriff's Office and requested stepped-up patrols in the area.

They'd been able to verify the description of the vehicle Gillfoil had rented, but just the day before they'd found it parked on a side street next to one of the casinos in town. They staked it out for twenty-four hours, but he never returned to it, so they had it towed to impound and began checking any reports of stolen vehicles in the area, thinking he'd ditched his rental and just stolen something else.

A description of the man himself was distributed to law enforcement on both sides of the state line, as well as to hotels, motels and Sadie's neighbors.

Early the next morning, they found him. Only by that time, he'd been able to barricade himself in Sadie's house, with Sadie and Tommy inside. The Rangers received a call from the Sheriff's dispatcher to respond as back up.

By the time Matt and the Rangers arrived on scene, Sadie's house was surrounded. He frantically looked around for any sign of the young woman or her son. When he didn't find them, he searched for Mike McBride, knowing that with an incident this big, he was sure to be on scene. When he didn't see the Sheriff, he approached the highest ranking deputy he could see, Deputy Sergeant Pete Logan."

"Pete!" Logan turned his head, then waved the Rangers forward, continuing to dispatch his deputies around the house and along the street.

"Matt, I'm glad you're here. We've got a hostage situation."

"Sadie and Tommy?"

"Both inside, as well as McBride and Grayson. They were the first officers on scene. Gillfoil got the drop on them and forced them inside. We think that Mike's been shot, but we haven't been able to verify that."

"Damn it!"

"Yeah."

"Where do you want us?"

"I could use your skills as a negotiator. Ours is tied up on a SWAT call out in Placerville and Douglas County's isn't available today."

"Sure. Have you been able to establish contact yet?"

"Briefly. He told me that if we don't let him leave with his wife and child, he'd torch the house with everyone inside."

"Use my Rangers where ever you need them. Frank is back at base ready to go if you end up needing the chopper. Just call and he'll get in the air."

"Appreciate that, Matt. Over this way, we'll see if you can get him to listen to you."

Matt followed the deputy to the Mobile Communications Van while the Rangers waited where they were for instructions.

/

For the next four hours, Matt kept an off and on conversation going on with Gillfoil, but nothing seemed to appease the man. They were able to get Mike McBride released with the promise from Sadie that she'd go with Gillfoil wherever he wanted. But nothing that Matt tried persuaded him to release the other deputy or Tommy, which frustrated Matt to no end.

Finally, Gillfoil said that he would release them both, if Matt himself came to the door to get them. Even knowing it could be a trap, Matt agreed. He slipped on the Kevlar vest that Logan handed him and informed his Rangers of his intent. And although they didn't agree, there was no way to talk him out of it.

He approached the house, unarmed. As he stepped onto the porch, the front door opened. Tommy was standing on the other side, blood dried on the side of his face and tear tracks evident on his cheeks.

"Hey, kiddo. You okay?" Matt asked quietly.

Tommy just nodded as a loud and angry voice called out. "No socializing. Just get your ass inside!"

Matt looked up. Gillfoil was standing in front of him about ten feet away, his arm wrapped around his ex's neck and a gun pressed against her temple. Tears rolled down her cheek and her eye begged for help.

"As soon as you let Tommy and the Deputy walk out the door."

"The boy ain't going anywhere!' Gillfoil growled.

"That wasn't the deal," Matt replied calmly, even though his heart was double-timing in his chest.

"Deals change."

Matt saw Lisa Grayson sitting on the sofa, hands behind her back, likely cuffed or bound in some way. She had a small cut on her forehead, which was no longer bleeding. She appeared uninjured otherwise. As Matt watched her, she made a small movement, drawing Gillfoils' attention away from the door.

Matt took advantage and grabbed Tommy, pushing him behind him. "Run!" he yelled as he launched himself at Gillfoil. The gunman spun back and fired off two shots toward Matt and the boy. Matt felt a burning along his left upper arm just before he slammed into Gillfoil and Sadie. Gillfoil lost his grip on his ex-wife

"Sadie, get out here! Lisa, move it!" he yelled, grabbing the arm that held the weapon. He heard footsteps running away, then less than thirty seconds later he was surrounded by several others who pinned Gillfoil to the floor and removed the gun from his hand. Matt was helped to his feet as others searched and cuffed Gillfoil, then led him outside.

"Matt, let's have the paramedics take a look at that arm," Logan said as he walked outside with the Ranger's Commander. Matt removed his jacket as he sat down on the back step of the ambulance and let the lady paramedic check his arm.

"Looks like a graze, but it'll need some stitches. We can take you in or you can drive yourself."

Matt looked down at the arm. "I'll take care of it myself, thanks," he said, grabbing his jacket and walking over to check on Sadie and Tommy, who were clinging to each other as they watched Gillfoil be taken away.

"You two okay?" he asked. "You're not hurt are you?"

Sadie looked over at him and smiled through her tears. "We're fine, thanks to you."

"I had a lot of help. Just glad you're both okay." He crouched down and looked at Tommy. "You gonna be okay there, buddy?" he asked.

Tommy nodded, sniffing and wiping away his tears, then buried his face against his mother's hip.

"That was pretty scary, huh?" Matt asked, rubbing a hand along the boy's arm. Again, Tommy just nodded. "It's okay to be scared, Tommy. I was scared too. I'll bet Deputy Grayson was as well."

"Really?" the small voice asked.

"Yeah. It's scary when someone is pointing a gun at you, no matter who you are." He glanced at Sadie as he regained his feet. "Look, the Sheriff's office is going to be awhile processing the scene. You're more than welcome to stay at my Mom's house again tonight if you want," he said. "Or we can find a safe house for you somewhere else."

"Will he be kept in jail?"

"Yeah. Deputy Logan is going to book him and since it's Friday, he won't see a judge until at least Monday morning. You'll be okay for the weekend."

"I think I'd prefer to stay here then, if that's okay. Do you know how long the Sheriff's Department will take?"

"Probably a couple of hours. Would you like to come back to the Ranger Station while you wait?"

"I'd like that, thanks," she said with a smile.

"Okay. I'll let the officers know to call there when they're done. Cutler!" he called to his waiting team. When Jim joined them, Matt instructed him to take them to the station. "I'm going to swing by the hospital and get this arm stitched up."

An hour later, Matt entered the station, arm bandaged and pain killers in his pocket. Sadie was in the kitchen with Izzy while Cutler and Hart were playing a game of Rummy with Tommy. Robin, as usual was sulking behind the radio desk, but jumped up when Matt walked in the door.

"Matt! Jim said you were shot! Are you okay?" she asked as she quickly approached him.

He took a step back as she got close. "I'm fine, Ranger Kelly. Just needed a couple of stitches. "Where's Frank?"

Robin narrowed her eyes. Matt had taken to calling her Ranger Kelly lately instead of Robin and it pissed her off. He knew it was his way of putting her in her place and she didn't like it.

Snidely, she replied, "Out doing his job, working on the helicopter."

"Good, I'll be out there as well."

He turned and walked toward the back, through the kitchen, and she heard him laugh with Sadie at some remark that Izzy made. She was furious. How dare he dismiss her like that after all they had been to each other? He had spent more time with that woman and her son lately than he had with Robin, who was his fiancée.

Oh, she knew that he had told her that the wedding was off. But she was sure she could change his mind. After all, the affair with Tim Hart had been just that. A fling, nothing serious. And certainly not important enough to postpone their life together.

Her hand went to her belly. She was due to have the DNA test in the next couple days. She was sure the baby was Matt's and that it would bring him back to her. She smiled then moved behind the radio desk and went back to filling out the log.

/

Matt gasped and sat up straight in bed. The dream had been so vivid. He was drowning and yelled to his father and brother standing on the shore for help. They both looked his way, then turned away. As he slid under the water, he heard his father say "you did this to yourself, Matthew."

Sudden nausea forced him to his feet and he raced for the bathroom, emptying his stomach of anything that remained from supper. As he knelt on the tile floor, his thoughts centered on his family. The family he'd always been able to depend on had turned their back on him. His father angry that he hadn't been told about Jackie's illness. And his brother, thinking that he'd rejected Robin because she'd become pregnant. His mother gone.

He felt more alone than he ever had in his life. And he wasn't sure if it could be fixed. Both his father and his brother had resorted to physical violence to get their point across to him. Neither had ever done that before.

And that afternoon, just before he'd left the station, Robin had decided to let the other Rangers know that he had moved out...and oh by the way, she was pregnant. So now, even his fellow Rangers were looking at him like he was the lowest scum on the planet. And like with Cody, he wasn't about to explain himself to any of them. It was none of their damn business.

He didn't know what game Robin was playing, but if they really thought that he would shirk his responsibilities like that, then they didn't know him and didn't deserve his friendship. These people had worked with him for years and could still think that of him? The only one who hadn't completely turned against him was Cutler, but even he looked disappointed when Robin said she was pregnant.

And he knew that once his team lost respect for him personally, they would lose faith in him on the job as well. His entire life was falling apart and he didn't know how to save it. Wasn't sure at that moment if he really wanted to.

He shakily got to his feet and leaning over the sink, he washed his face, taking a couple of handfuls of water to rinse out his mouth. He knew he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, so he headed into his mother's bedroom. There were a few boxes in the closet that he hadn't wanted to open, his mother leaving them for him before she'd left Tahoe.

He dragged the box marked "1 of 5" into the living room and turned on the light next to the sofa. Slicing open the box with a knife he'd retrieved from the kitchen, he lifted the flaps. Inside were about twenty hardcover books. Each one was numbered and dated.

His mother's journals. She was always writing in journals, detailing her thoughts and dreams. She told him once that it started as a High School project, but she enjoyed it so much, she continued writing throughout the rest of her life.

Rooting through the box, he found the book marked with "Book 1" and the earliest date. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, he settled back and began to read, curious to read about his mother's dreams and wishes before she met his father and settled in the mountains of Lake Tahoe. He hoped that at least some of her dreams had come true.

When the sun rose several hours later, Matt had made it through enough journals to make it up to the moment when she introduced Jesse Hawkes to her parents. Matt had both laughed and cried while reading.

He laughed at the efforts that his father had gone through to woo the beautiful Jackie Fuller away from her boyfriend of two years. He cried when his mother described losing her favorite uncle in Vietnam. And he understood her pain when she described the accident that nearly cost the life of her mother, only to see that mother then relegated to a wheelchair for the rest of her life.

Oh, what he wouldn't give to have his own mother still alive, wheelchair or not.

He set aside the latest book and sighed. He wanted to just stay here, isolated, and continue to read about his mother's life. He had learned so much about her reading her journals and he wanted to know more. But he knew he needed to get to work.

But he was so tired. So very tired. And he wasn't sure he had the strength to deal with the drama at the station today. But his mother...and his father, he had to admit...had raised him to face his problems head on. So that's what he would do. If for no other reason than to honor his mother's memory.

So he pushed himself off the sofa and started his morning.

/

Over the next two days, Matt kept himself busy with the Rangers and spent the evenings pouring over his mother's journals. He pulled up the next book and smiled as he read the dates. This was one he'd looked forward to reading as it would deal with his own birth. He looked forward to reading his mother's thoughts as she realized she was pregnant and how she told his father.

And as he read, he got caught up in the happy times. Newlyweds preparing for the birth of their first child. His mother's frustration with her husband, who wanted to pamper her, while her independent streak insisted that she could still do everything she'd done before. He laughed at the memories her words conjured up, memories of her re-telling those stories around numerous dinner tables as he grew up.

As he continued to read about Jesse's reaction the first time he held his newborn son, the first time he called him Matthew. His mother's recollections read like something out of a Hallmark movie, but it warmed his heart to know how his father had doted on him, never shying away from holding him and wanting to spend time with him. One passage struck him as she wrote of having to beg Jesse to let her hold her own son, as he hadn't wanted to let the boy out of his arms.

But the recent memories of his father's anger, of the pain from his fist connecting with Matt's face, threatened to blot out the happier memories that Jackie's journals recalled. He slammed the book closed and threw it on the coffee table. What had gone wrong? Was it when he left with his mother? Was it the intervening years when he only visited his dad sporadically? Or was it only the recent issue with his mother's illness and death that cause this rift between himself and his father?

Or was it the birth of his younger brother? The brother who was a miniature version of their father. He'd know that having a younger brother would divide the attention of both parents, but he still remembered spending time with his father even after Cody was born. And he couldn't remember ever feeling jealous of Cody growing up. He shook his head. No, he didn't think it was that.

His mind sifted through his memories. He knew that Jesse loved him, as the man was never shy about making it obvious. His father was a hugger, never embarrassed about wrapping his arms around his boys whenever he felt the need or whenever he knew that his sons needed the reassurance of his presence.

It pained him to know that he hadn't felt that reassurance in a very long time. And he needed it now more than ever. He so wanted to sit down with his dad and talk about his mom, about Robin, and about the baby. God, what he wouldn't give to feel his dad wrap those still strong and loving arms around him and tell him that everything would be okay.

He vowed to head up to the cabin on his first day off. They needed to clear the air. And if his father failed to forgive him...well, he didn't even want to think about that. Because if Jesse didn't, then he would have lost one of the most important people in his life. And he wondered how that would affect Cody. Would his little brother follow their father's lead and cut Matt from his life as well? Especially after the last time they'd seen each other, when Matt had ended up with another black eye.

Matt didn't think he would survive that.

/

The next two days were hell, full of rescues, lost hikers, a stranded climber and three reports of poachers. Matt worked every call with his team, but his Rangers were beginning to question some of his orders, subtly at first. But then Hart decided that he had a better way of handling a rescue. Matt was so fed up by that time, he gave Hart the go-ahead to do what he wanted. And later had to bite his tongue not to say "I told you so", when the rescue almost cost both Cutler and the stranded climber their lives.

Sunday afternoon, Matt received the paperwork from his realtor. They had been able to sell his mom's house at their asking price and the realtor had delivered the final papers. He decided to head over to the bank early the next morning to get the accounts taken care of.

He'd also had the remainder of Jackie's belongings put into storage and wanted to give his father and Cody a key to the storage unit so that they could take what they wanted from the items. He'd already taken what he wanted, which wasn't much.

He debated with himself whether or not he should go up to his dad's cabin, considering how things had been between him and his father and Cody. But he knew that he couldn't give this to someone else to do. That would be the coward's way out. And he wasn't a coward. So Monday morning, after he and Robin finished at the Doctor's office, he reluctantly put Hart in charge and headed out to saddle his horse.

As he rode into the clearing where his father's cabin sat, he reined up. It was so peaceful here. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath of clear mountain air and a smile drifting across his face. The good feeling was shattered a moment later when a voice snarled at him.

"What are you doing here?"

He opened his eyes to find Cody standing in front of him, a load of wood in his arms. As Matt dismounted, Cody walked over to the porch and laid the wood on the pile just outside the door. Brushing his hands together, he turned a stern face to his older brother.

"So, I'm not welcome here now?" Matt asked, tying the reins to a post off the porch.

"Not until you decide to do the decent thing with Robin," Cody stated.

"Maybe you should get the whole story before you condemn me, little brother," he replied bitterly. He had vowed on the ride up to be civil no matter what, but Cody's attitude grated on his nerves. "What happened between me and Robin is our business."

"She's my friend!" Cody snarled, shoving Matt. "And no one treats my friends like that! Not even you!"

Matt pushed back, pinning his brother against the outside wall of the cabin. "Don't you even care about my side of the story, Cody?"

"No, actually, I don't. Robin is pregnant and you got her that way. End of story. You need to take responsibility for your child."

Matt leaned in closer to his brother. "If that child..."

"Matthew!" Matt looked over to find his father stepping up onto the porch. He appeared nearly as angry as Cody. "Maybe you should leave if you're going to do nothing but argue." He moved between his two sons. Matt stalked to the end of the porch.

"Oh, doesn't that figure. This is all my fault? Cody's the one with the attitude."

"Do you deny the fact that your fiancée is pregnant and you have postponed the wedding?" Jesse asked, arms crossed against his chest.

"No, but..."

"No buts, here boy. No child of mine would shirk that responsibility."

The words "even if it's not mine?" were on the tip of Matt's tongue, but he refused to utter them. That his own family would think that way about him was so foreign that he couldn't think of anything to say.

"So, now I've lost my father too, is that it?"

"You've made some bad choices recently, Matthew. And until you're ready to admit to those mistakes, maybe you should stay away," Jesse said, not bothering to comment on Matt's question.

"So I'm no longer welcome at my father's home? Or maybe it's that my father no longer wants to be seen as my father, is that it?!." He stepped off the porch and moved toward his horse.

"Did you have a reason for coming here or did you just come up to beg forgiveness?" Cody asked.

"Now you sound like Aaron Bass," Matt commented, looking over his shoulder.

"Maybe Aaron had it right," Cody snarled. Jesse did nothing to dispute Cody's statement. For a moment, Matt was speechless. Then his shoulders slumped and he turned back to his horse.

He reached into his saddle bags and withdrew an envelope. He tossed it at his father, who fumbled it for a second before he grabbed it.

Matt replied, voice cold and matter-of-fact. "The house sold. That's Cody's share." He pulled a key chain front his jacket pocket and threw it hard at Cody, hitting him in the face. "Key to a storage unit. I moved Mom's stuff into it. You and _your _father need to go down and see if there is anything you want. Take your time. It's paid up for six months."

Matt mounted his horse again and began to turn the animal back to the trail, then stopped. "Oh, by the way, Mike McBride was shot last Friday. He's in the hospital. Maybe you at least care enough about _him_ to get you down off this mountain."

With that said, he kneed his horse into a fast trot and left his father and brother standing silently behind him.

/

Matt had a major headache by the time he got back to the Ranger station. The ride back down the mountain had been torturous, his mind a jumble of thoughts. That his own father and brother would judge him before they knew all the facts hurt more than he'd thought it would. He'd had disagreements with both in the past. But for them to condemn him and just dismiss him like that...

He walked into his office and closed the door. Sitting behind his desk, he hesitated briefly before picking the phone. Dialing, he waited for it to be picked up on the other end.

"Mt Shasta Ranger Station, Ranger Michaels."

"Hey, Pat. It's Matt Hawkes."

"Matt! Hey, Buddy, long time no see."

"Yeah. Well that may be about to change. Is Gordon around?"

"Yeah, he's in his office. You gonna take him up on that tracking seminar?"

"Yeah. I think a break from Tahoe is just what I need right now."

"I'll get him on the line for you."

Matt waited just a few seconds before Art Gordon came on the line and the two men made arrangements for Matt to head up to Shasta to conduct a tracking seminar for Gordon's Rangers. They also discussed doing the same for several other western state Ranger Stations. Matt decided that the extended break might be good and agreed. They spent the next thirty minutes ironing out the details.

As he hung up the phone, he wondered if anyone would care if he left. And further wondered if they would care if he ever returned.

/


	8. Chapter 8

**_CHAPTER 8 _**

The house had burned to the ground. The west wall still stood partially upright, but was charred black. The trees in front had also burned, the once full branches now bare. Matt stood by, waiting for the Fire Department to put out the hot spots.

He was angry. It seemed to be a permanent condition lately. Between Robin, Cody and Jesse, he figured he was due. But this one wasn't personal. At least not personal against him.

Just that afternoon, he'd discovered that a new judge had allowed Mark Gillfoil to be released on bail. Even with all the evidence against him, the man was allowed to post a mere ten thousand dollar bond and leave the jail. Oh, the judge had issued a Protection Order. Fat lot of good that did! Immediately, Pete Logan had placed a twenty-four hour guard on Sadie and Tommy.

An hour later, a fire had been reported at Sadie's house, called in by a neighbor. On arrival, the fire department had found not only the house fully engulfed in flames, but a deputy dead in his patrol car.

As the firefighters were able to make their way into the house, they found Sadie dead by the front door. Nobody had seen Tommy or Gillfoil. After checking with the school, they knew Tommy had not gone to class that day. Now Matt was just waiting to see if he'd suffered the same fate as his mother.

Five minutes later he knew. In a back bedroom, one of the firefighters had found not only Mark Gillfoil, but the partially charred body of his son. Matt closed his eyes as they carried out the small body bag.

Four people dead because a new judge wanted to make a name for himself. Well, he'd certainly accomplished that, Matt decided, and not in a good way. Logan assured Matt that he'd press impeachment proceedings on the judge. Not that it would do Sadie or Tommy any good. Not to mention Logan's deputy.

What good did it do to arrest these guys, when some idiot judge let them out again?! Matt was tempted to march down to the judge's office and vent a little, but knew that would only make matters worse. Especially if he gave in to the temptation to smash his fist into said judge's face! Not that he thought that would matter much now. The damage was done.

/

The next morning, Pete Logan called to let Matt know that they hadn't been able to contact any family for Sadie and Tommy. So Matt told him that he would pay for their funerals. It was the least he could do, since he'd let them both down and couldn't protect them.

Since Gillfoil was also dead and no trial would be taking place, the Medical Examiner had agreed to go ahead and release the bodies. So Matt had called the local funeral home and made the arrangements. He figured he might as well use some of the inheritance from his mother to give them a proper burial.

His only consolation was that the M.E. had discovered that both mother and son had been shot to death before they burned. Bullets to the head had ended both lives quickly and neither had been forced to suffer through the fire.

Two days later, Matt Hawkes, Pete Logan and Lisa Grayson attended the burial. Other than a couple of Sadie's neighbors, Michael Cantbury and several of Tommy's classmates, no one else attended. Matt hadn't mentioned it to his Rangers. He wasn't even sure they knew that Tommy and Sadie had died. Although it had been in the newspaper, since it was so closely connected to the deputy's death, so likely they did, even though none of them had mentioned it to him.

He knew the deputy's funeral the next week would be a much different affair, with officers coming from all over California, Nevada and points far and wide to honor the fallen officer. Matt would attend that funeral as well. And it was not something he was looking forward to. Too many funerals in too few weeks. He just kept picturing that small coffin and remembering the young boy he'd befriended.

/

Things were getting worse at the station. Robin had been playing up the jilted lover and the guys were falling for it. She'd taken the last couple days off, so he'd had a bit of a respite, but was due back that afternoon. She blamed her crying fits on hormones, but whenever one of the guys tried to comfort her, she moaned about how awful Matt was being.

He entered the station to find Cutler and Izzy yelling at each other. As he watch Hart and Avila just standing by watching, he had second thoughts about leaving Hart in charge when he left. He was glad he'd agreed with Gordon that a temporary Commander was the best way to go. Tim Hart's judgment lately hadn't been the best.

Matt slammed the door to get everyone's attention. "Matt! You should hear what this asshole has been saying about you," Cutler declared.

"Who's the real asshole here, Cutler? Me, for being honest, or your buddy Matt for leaving his pregnant fiancée to fend for herself!"

"Matt, you won't believe it, but Izzy here offered to marry Robin, so she wouldn't be cast as the Scarlet Harlot!"

Matt took a deep breath and looked over at Hart, not surprised to see a confused look on his face. The Commander took over. He pushed his way between the two men and separated them, pushing a hand against each man's chest.

"Get your hands off me!" Izzy snarled, slapping at Matt's hands.

"Back off, Flowers! This is a professional outfit. If you can't keep your mind on your job, get the hell out!"

"I'd love to be able to do that!"

Cutler took two steps toward him. "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!"

"Screw you Cutler! Your Golden Boy has lost his shine!"

"Enough! Both of you shut the hell up!" Matt yelled. Frank came over and dragged Jim away from the confrontation, while Hart did the same with Izzy, taking him to the other side of the room and pushing him down into the chair behind the radio desk.

Matt shook his head, counting to ten, then twenty, in an effort to calm down. The front door opened and Robin breezed through, totally oblivious to the tension that radiated from all corners of the room. She strode straight up to Matt, a huge smile on her face.

"Matt! I want to talk to you about getting back out in the field!" she exclaimed, oblivious to the tension in the room.

"Robin, we've already talked about this. You can't work in the field when you're pregnant."

"Well, then it shouldn't be a problem. I'm no longer pregnant."

Silence fell upon the room at her declaration, all thoughts of the argument disappeared.

"Excuse me?" Matt asked, confused. "What do you mean you're no longer pregnant?"

"Matt, honey. I knew that no matter what, this baby was coming between us." She reached out and put her hand on his arm and he was too shocked to even think about shaking it off. "And no matter whose child it turned out to be, I am just not ready to be a mother." She smiled.

"What did you do?" he whispered.

"I took care of the problem," she replied cheerfully.

"You had an abortion, didn't you?"

"Matt, it solves all of our problems," she insisted.

He stared at her, horrified. "You killed your baby!?"

She scoffed. "Killed? That's rather a strong word, isn't? I did what I had to do to keep my life on track. Matt, don't you get it? Now we can continue on with our plans."

He shook his head in disbelief. "You had no right! What if that was my child, Robin? My child! You had no right!"

"It's my body, my life. I had every right! I have worked too hard to become a Ranger and a Paramedic to let a child to derail it."

The others just watched in shock. Except for Hart, this was the first time any of them had any inkling that Robin's baby wasn't Matt's. It skewed their vision of recent events. Izzy especially was feeling badly. No wonder Matt had walked.

Matt, finally realized that Robin was standing too close and pushed her away. "My God. Did I ever know you?" he asked, breathless. "How could I have not seen what kind of person you are? How could I have been so wrong about you?"

"Matt, please don't do this," she pleaded. "I love you. I did this for us, so that we can forget about everything that's happened and get back to where we were a month ago."

"Forget?! How do you expect me to forget coming home and finding you in bed with someone else?! You're delusional if you think this changes anything. In fact, it makes the likelihood of us getting back together absolutely impossible. I could never marry a woman who would kill her own child."

"But Matt..."

"No. Any love I still might have had for you is gone. I could never love a woman who would do that."

"Matt, please. I did it for you...for us." Tears began rolling down her face.

Matt just shook his head and walked away.

He never heard Robin crying his name, or Izzy walking over to try to comfort her. He never heard Cutler calling to him, never saw Avila or Hart staring at him as he went into his office, slamming the door behind him.

/

An hour later, Matt came back out to the main room and asked Cutler to gather everyone together. When his Rangers were all settled somewhere in the room, he settled against one of the desks. His face was a blank mask, no emotion showing, not even in his eyes.

"As of tomorrow morning, Pat Michaels from Mt Shasta Ranger Station, will be taking over as temporary Commander here in Tahoe." He raised his hand when everyone clamored for an explanation. "Commander Gordon has been requesting a tracking seminar for his crew for several months and I've been putting it off. I've decided to honor his request."

"How long, Matt?" Cutler asked.

"Don't know, at least a month at Shasta. After that, he wants me to do the same at some of the other Ranger stations that don't have anyone on board who can track well and asked for some training. Likely be about six months total, depending on how quickly the others pick it up and how many stations want the training."

"So, I'm not good enough to take over while you're gone?" Hart asked bitterly.

"Not for that long a period of time," Matt replied coolly, not caring if he hurt Hart's feelings. "But while Pat is here, he'll be doing your evaluation. So you'll get your fair share of handling command. If he feels that you're ready, then he may cut you loose on your own to Command. That'll be up to him and Art Gordon, as the Regional Commander. If they feel that you can take over Command, Pat will leave it in your hands and return to Shasta. And you will then be eligible to apply at any Ranger Station in the country, if you want."

"Is that what you want, Hawkes? For me to be eligible to go away," Hart snarled.

"Frankly, Tim, I don't care what you do. You and Robin have already gone a long way to ruining my life. What you do from here on is none of my concern. This will give you options. It will also give me options. Hell, maybe I'll take a position elsewhere. It's not like I have a lot to return to here."

"What about Jesse and Cody?" Izzy asked.

"That's really none of your business," Matt stated coldly. Izzy had pissed him off and he wasn't ready to forget that just yet.

The other Rangers exchanged looks. None of them had seen either Jesse or Cody since the Open House. And it was obvious then that both of them were having an issue with Matt, Jesse more so than Cody. But for it to have gotten so bad that Matt might seriously consider not returning to Tahoe, meant that their Commander had been dealing with more than any of them had known.

They all knew that they'd been rough on their Commander recently, but none of them really wanted him to leave. Even Hart, who, if he was honest with himself, wasn't sure he was ready to command for more than a couple of days at a time, wasn't sure he wanted Matt to leave for that long.

And he also knew that Matt was right about how he and Robin had ruined his life. He knew that Matt had a problem working with him. He himself had been very uncomfortable being around Matt, too. Maybe this move was best for everyone. Give them a break from each other.

"When are you leaving?" Frank asked.

"Tonight. I'm already packed."

"So soon?" Robin asked.

"The sooner the better," he snarled, glaring at her. "You all have been giving me hell because I decided to leave Robin, knowing that she was pregnant. Well, you jumped to conclusions and passed judgment on me without having all the facts. You are federal law enforcement officers. If you passed judgment on suspects that quickly, you'd have a shitload of false arrests dogging your asses. And you'd lose your jobs. You don't have the full story and you never did. But you all were sure quick to condemn me. I don't appreciate it, especially since I considered you all friends."

"We are your friends, Matt," Cutler insisted.

"Jim, you and Frank are the only ones that didn't ride my ass and you are the only one to even ask if there was more to the issue with Robin than you'd been told. And I appreciate that, more than you can know. My own brother didn't even give me that courtesy." He looked around, catching the eye of every Ranger. "I will not go into what happened. The circumstances of our split are between us. It's personal and frankly none of your business. But I thought over the last few years that I had gained your respect, at least for how I commanded this unit. I guess was wrong. I hope you treat Pat Michaels better than that."

With that he turned around and headed to his office. He unlocked the center drawer of his desk, pulled out some personal papers, then dropped the key on the desk. Leaving the office, he removed the name plate on the door and headed up to his room. Stuffing the papers and name plate into his packed duffle, he hefted it to his shoulder.

Looking around the room, his eyes stopped on the framed photo of him with Jesse and Cody. His first inclination was to take the photo with him. But the pain of just looking at the photo now was too much. And he didn't want to be reminded of that while he was gone. Trying to distance himself from that pain was, after all, the reason he was leaving.

He picked up the photo, blinking back tears, and placed it in a box he'd put in the closet. If he ended up not returning, he'd have the items shipped to wherever he was. Turning, he left the room and headed down the stairs. Ignoring the Rangers gathered around the main room, he walked out the door, tossing his duffle in the back seat of his truck.

He moved the truck over to the stables and hooked up the small horse trailer. He turned around to head to the stables, only to find Cutler behind him leading Matt's horse. Jim smiled and handed the reins over to his friend. As Matt settled his horse in the trailer, Jim went back into the stable to get Matt's saddle. Lifting it into the bed of the truck, he waited for Matt to exit the trailer and latch the back gate.

"Don't stay away forever, Matt. No matter what happened with Robin, you know that Jesse and Cody won't be mad forever. And I'd miss you too much," he admitted.

Matt smiled. "Thanks, Jim. You've been a good friend."

"Do you want Jesse and Cody to know where you are, if they ask?"

Matt glanced back at the main building. "Not like they won't be told by someone else. And it's not likely they'll make the effort to come find me."

"You never know. Keep in touch, will you," Jim asked, putting out his hand.

Matt grabbed the hand, then pulled Cutler in for a quick one armed hug. "I will," he promised.

Climbing into his truck, he glanced up to see his, no Hart's, team gathered on the porch. His heart in his throat, he turned the key, put the truck in gear and drove away, forcing himself not to look in the rear view mirror.

/


	9. Chapter 9

**_CHAPTER 9_**

Three days later, Jim Cutler was sitting on the sofa in the main room of the station, reading a book, and ignoring the others in the room. Robin, under some strong pressure from Cutler and Avila, had finally admitted to having an affair. And since everyone remembered the remark Matt had made about she and Hart ruining his life, it didn't take much to determine who the other man was.

So things were a bit tense in the station, although none of them let it affect how they did their jobs. Especially after Avila had finally had enough. Their pilot had flat out told them that he planned to make sure that Matt Hawkes wanted to return to Tahoe as the Rangers' Commander. And if that meant forcing everyone else to leave, then he'd do his best to see that happen. And he all but ordered them to be on their best professional behavior while Pat Michaels was in charge.

He told Robin and Hart that he was ashamed of them, and that he had lost respect for both of them. And he bluntly told Izzy to grow up. Then he admitted that he himself had been the worst kind of friend. No, he hadn't been a part of the nasty remarks that had been flying around freely, but he also hadn't supported his leader like he felt he should have.

He told them all that he didn't care what they did outside the station, but if they brought it in to work with them, he would personally take them to task over it. And that he would make the phone call to Art Gordon to request their transfer to another station. As a Senior Ranger, his word held a great deal of sway, and he would use that power if he needed to.

Cutler could only smile as he remembered how the normally quiet and laid back Frank Avila took the team to task for their behavior. He wished Matt had been there to see it and vowed to make sure that he recounted the scene when he talked to his long-time friend.

His thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening and turned to find Jesse and Cody Hawkes behind him. He silently cursed. He'd known that this day was coming, but had hoped he wouldn't be in the station once they finally ventured down off their mountain.

"Looking for Matt," Jesse said, getting straight to the point.

Cutler set down his book and waited for anyone to respond. When no one did, he stood up.

"Wait here, I'll get the Commander for you," he said. Jesse frowned at the way he worded his reply, then started toward the Commander's office.

"I think I can find Matt's office all by myself, thanks anyway, Jim."

Without thinking, Cutler darted in front of Jesse and put his hand against Jesse's chest, stopping the older man in his tracks. "It's not Matt's office anymore," he said. "At least temporarily."

"What are you talking about?" Jesse groused.

"It seems that Matt decided he needed a break from Tahoe for a while," Cutler commented. "A break from his friends. And his so-called family." He sneered at both Jesse and Cody.

"You got a problem with me, boy?" Jesse snarled.

"Oh, yeah, I got a problem with you. With both of you."

"Jim, settle down," Frank told him.

Cutler spun around and glared at Avila. "Half the shit that Matt's been going through is because of them!" he insisted, pointed his thumb over his shoulder to the stunned father and son. He turned back to face them. "And the other half is because of those two," he continued, gesturing toward Robin and Hart, who had just entered the room from the kitchen. He looked back at the Hawkes duo. "If you had shown even the tiniest bit of support for him, he probably wouldn't have felt the need to leave!"

"Cutler, stand down!" The authoritative voice of Pat Michaels resounded through the room. "Go get some air, Jimmy. Jesse, join me," he said, nodding toward the office.

Jesse followed him, leaving Cody behind to face the other Rangers. The teenager watched as Cutler stalked from the room and when he turned back around, found that none of the other Rangers would look him in the eye. Well, Cody Hawkes was nothing if not stubborn. So he decided that he just get the information he needed from the one person who seemed willing to talk. Jim Cutler.

"Pat, what the hell is going on?" Jesse asked before he even got all the way into the office. "Why are you here?"

"Art has been trying to get Matt to give some on-the-job training in tracking to some of our guys. Matt kept telling him he was too busy. Then with Jackie's illness, Matt didn't want to leave Tahoe. But, with all the personal turmoil he's had in his life since her death, Matt called Art a couple days ago and thought it might be a good time to get a break from everybody here."

"A break. So he's running away!" Jesse slapped his hat against his thigh.

"He needs some space, Jesse. Surely you remember how that is, you did it enough yourself."

Jesse narrowed his eyes and flexed his jaw. Yes there were times when he'd taken a day or two away from the Rangers because things got too heavy. But he never left. He never abandoned his Rangers.

"How long is he going to be gone?"

"Not sure yet. Six months or more," Pat replied softly. "Shasta isn't the only station requesting the training. I'm here until he returns or until Art and I feel Hart is ready to take over. I'm doing evaluations while I'm here as well."

"Well, that makes sense," Jesse said, calming down a bit. "So, he's at Shasta Station."

"For now. Once he finishes there, Bear Valley, Park City, Utah, and maybe a couple of others. Art wants to see how the feedback goes before he goes further."

"Matt's the best tracker I know. And he's a good teacher. Your people will learn a lot from him."

"You ever tell Matt that, Jesse?"

"Matt knows how I feel," the older man insisted.

"I'll take that as a 'no'. Maybe a bit more encouragement from you would have gone a long way in keeping him in Tahoe."

Jesse angrily got to his feet. "You trying to tell me how to raise my boys, Patrick?"

"Of course not. But from what I've heard from the others out there, you haven't been around much. And Matt could have used you here."

"I'll deal with Matt." He stuffed his hat back on his head and hurried back out the door. He glanced around the room, but didn't see his youngest son, "Where'd Cody?" he asked no one in particular.

Frank gestured outside and Jesse left, leaving a stunned room behind him.

/

"Jim."

Cutler turned around and glared as Cody approached him. "What do you want?" he growled.

"I want to talk to my brother. Do you know where he is?"

"I'm not sure he wants to talk to you right now."

"Look, I just want to find out what's going on!" Cody insisted.

"Maybe you should have done that before you took Robin's side and all but condemned your brother! He's not the bad guy here, Cody!'

"He left her because she was pregnant!'

"No, he didn't. He left her because she was sleeping around on him!" Cutler said, slamming his hand on the porch railing. "And he questioned whether the child was even his. But I guess that doesn't matter now, because the She-witch has decided that her career was more important and tossed the baby away like trash!"

Cody was shocked. What the hell had he missed? Robin slept with someone else. She had an abortion?

Cutler laughed at Cody standing there, his mouth agape. "Not exactly the sweet little blond you thought she was, huh? She played you, Cody. Hell, she played all of us. We all thought Matt was wrong leaving her like that. But I knew there had to more to it. Matt is not the type to turn his back on his own kid. He knows how precious they are."

"How did you find out..."

"I asked! Something you should have done before you shoved your fist in his face! You have no idea how it hurt him, knowing you would think of him like that. And your Dad! Don't even get me started."

"No, go ahead Jimmy, tell me what you think of me," Jesse insisted as he joined the two men on the back deck of the Ranger Station.

"I used to respect you, Jesse. You know that my family life was pretty crappy growing up. I looked at you as a role model of how I wanted to be with any future kids I might have. But the way you turned your back on Matt after Jackie died-that was despicable! Do you have any idea how hard it was for him to lose her?"

"Hey, it wasn't easy on any of us," Cody interjected.

"Cody, how would you feel if Jesse died and Matt wasn't there to help you through it? Matt was as close to Jackie as you are to your Dad. And not only did he not have you or Jesse to help him get through that, he didn't have his supposedly loving fiancée either. All he had was me. And I was a shit worthless substitute for the family who should have been there for him." Jim took a couple of deep breaths before he continued.

"Plus he was dealing with the fact that he'd just discovered his fiancée had been cheating on him, she was carrying a baby that might or might not be his, his father and brother both got violent with him when they disagreed with him over something they thought he should have done. Top that off with all the rescues and such we've been doing lately, the piss poor attitude he's been getting from some of his Rangers, and the fact that Robin aborted the baby to further her career and try to get Matt back into her bed. Ask yourself how well you would hold up under those circumstances. I'm not surprised he needed a break from this place. I was tempted to go with him!"

Neither Hawkes commented on that, so Cutler took the opportunity to leave. He was so furious that he decided to take his anger out on some dead trees and go chop some wood. He left Jesse and Cody to think about what he'd said.

/

Jesse and Cody were stunned. Neither of them had known that Matt had been dealing with so much. And to know that they had been a major factor in all his turmoil bit at both of them. They returned to the cabin that night, both of them quiet and thinking on everything that had happened over the last couple weeks.

And both of them feeling guilty about the way they had treated him.

Later that night, Jesse was sitting on the porch, whittling away at a small piece of wood, thinking about his eldest son. In the end, he couldn't blame Matt for wanting to get away for a while. And the training he was giving the other Rangers would be useful. He smiled. It was just like Matt to use the time constructively, knowing that concentrating on teaching the others would also help him sort through his own feelings.

Jesse didn't turn around when the door behind him opened up. "Thought you were in bed, son."

"Couldn't sleep," Cody replied, settling down on the steps near his father's feet. Jesse set outside his whittling and placed a hand on Cody's head.

"I miss him too, boy."

Cody laid his head on Jesse's knee. "We really screwed up, Dad. He probably won't ever talk to us again."

"He's your brother, Cody. He loves you. We just need to give him some time."

Cody nodded, but Jesse could feel his son's tears dampening the cloth of his jeans. He reached up a hand to wipe away his own tears.

He looked up and said a silent prayer that he could make this right.

/

Three weeks later, Matt Hawkes walked through the back door of the Mt Shasta Ranger Station, laughing at a comment made by one of the Rangers. He was in a good mood. The change of scenery had done him a world of good. But his good mood evaporated as he walked into the main room.

"Hey, Matt."

"Cody."

His little brother stood up as he entered, anxious to see if his brother would welcome him or not. When Matt walked past him and headed into Commander Gordon's office, Cody's shoulders slumped and he sat back down, sighing deeply as he closed his eyes.

"So, are you just gonna sit there and take up space or is there a reason you're so far from your mountain?"

Cody opened his eyes to see his brother standing over him. There was no expression on Matt's face, so Cody wasn't able to tell if his brother was happy to see him or not. Well, that wasn't exactly the truth. If Matt had been happy to see him, he'd probably still be wrapped up in a big-brother bear hug. The fact that he wasn't didn't bode well for the next few minutes.

"I came to apologize and beg your forgiveness," he stated softly.

If Matt was surprised, it didn't show. He glanced out the large wall of windows, but didn't see any vehicles other than official vehicles or those owned by the Shasta Rangers.

"How did you get here?"

"Dad drove." He held up a hand. "Don't worry. He left to find a hotel room. I asked him to let me have some time alone with you first. Do you think we could go somewhere private and talk?"

Matt watched his little brother, who appeared sincere in his desire to make things right. He took a deep breath and nodded his head. "Wait here."

Matt walked back to Gordon's office briefly, then returned. "With me," he said, heading back out the door. Cody jumped up and followed, catching up with Matt just as he neared the stables.

"Grab the black. Use the saddle in the tack room marked 'McCoy'," Matt told him. Cody hurried to follow his instructions, as Matt saddled his own horse. Matt reached for the reins of his horse, mounted up and turned toward the trail that led behind the Ranger station up into the mountains. He gently kicked the horse. Cody followed silently behind him.

They rode for over an hour, neither saying a word. Matt pulled his mount to a halt, dismounted, then removed the saddle and bridle, allowing the horse to graze. Dropping the saddle and other gear onto a nearby rock, he climbed to the top of a small hill and settled on a flat rock, knees pulled into his chest, and crossed his arms on top of his knees.

Cody watched Matt settle in before setting his borrowed horse free to roam and joining his brother. He sat down close enough that their shoulders touched and was relieved when Matt didn't pull away.

"Can you forgive me?" he asked.

A full minute passed before his brother answered. "I want to. I really do. Cody...did you really believe that I would desert her like that?"

"I didn't know what to think," Cody replied. "I know how much you loved Robin and I know how much you want a family. When she told me you left, called of the wedding...and she was so sad."

Matt snorted. "She was sad?" he asked in disbelief. "What exactly did she tell you?"

"She said that you decided you didn't want to be married. Then she cried for a long time and finally cried herself to sleep. The next morning, I tried talking to her again, but she kept running to the bathroom. When I asked her if she was sick, she told me no, that she was pregnant. I asked if you knew and she said yes, that she told you right before you walked out."

Matt nodded. "So, you assumed that was the reason I left," he stated, resting his chin on his arms.

Cody nodded, shamefully. "Yeah. I'm sorry, Matt, but yeah, I did. I don't know why. I think...I think maybe I was so shocked that you'd walked out...oh hell," he sighed. "You were right. I do know you better than that. You must hate me."

Without lifting his head, Matt turned to look at his little brother. "I could never hate you, Cody. I was just disappointed that you could believe that of me. It's bad enough that Dad was angry and not talking to me. It hurt that you'd feel the same way," he said, looking away.

Cody leaned into his brother. "I was an ass, Matt."

Matt sighed and buried his face against his arms. "I'm so tired, Cody. You're right, you know. I did love Robin. I just can't be married to her."

"You want to talk about it?"

"I...I wish I could go back and live the last two months over again," he said, his voice cracking.

Cody reached up and put his arm around his brother, pulling him close. He knew the conversation had turned away from Robin.

"I miss her too," he whispered, knowing that Jackie's loss was still weighing heavily on Matt's mind.

"I really did want to tell you and Dad. But Mom begged me not to," Matt insisted.

"I know. And Dad does understand. He told me to tell you that he loves you. And that he wants to talk to you too. He's spent the last few weeks blaming himself for you leaving Tahoe. He was angry that Mom was dying and took it out on you, because you knew about it and he didn't."

"He still loved her," Matt said, looking up at his brother, tears rolling down his face. "He never stopped."

"Matt...you don't have to tell me...but what happened between you and Robin?"

Matt sighed and shook his head, wiping his face with his sleeve. "You know that I changed my flight out of Tempe, right? I had originally planned to fly home on Sunday, but that last argument with Dad...I decided to come back early. I got the first flight I could get out of Tempe, but had to fly to Los Angeles first and the plane had mechanical problems, so I actually got in really late to Sacramento. I thought I'd get a hotel room and then drive back up to Tahoe the next morning. But, when the plane landed, I decided I just wanted to get back home. Back to Robin. Back to someone who wasn't angry...or disappointed..." He took a deep breath. "I drove straight through. Got back in town about two in the morning. I dragged my butt into the apartment, just wanting to lay down and sleep...to forget about Tempe, Mom, Dad...forget about everything for a few hours."

Matt tightly closed his eyes, reliving the night he discovered his wife's betrayal. "I walked down the hall and as I got close to the bedroom, I heard voices...a male and female...they were...they were..." His voice cracked and he took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. "Robin was...in bed with another man."

Cody gasped. "You heard them?"

"That's not even the worst part of it," Matt insisted. He turned to look his brother in the eye. "The man she was with...it was Hart."

Cody shook his head in disbelief. "Why? Why would she do that? Why would he?"

A bitter laugh escaped Matt's throat. "I guess good ol' Matt just wasn't man enough for her," he declared.

"Hey, don't say that," Cody said, slapping Matt on the arm. "My brother is man enough for any woman. She's just not good enough for you."

Matt smiled at Cody's quick defense of his big brother.

"So...what about the baby?" Cody asked.

"The baby...complicated things," Matt told him. "I wanted to be sure it was mine before I accepted the responsibility of raising it. So she went and had some special tests done, where they can determine the DNA of the baby before it's born. Not a week later, she tells me, she decided to have an abortion, because she spent too much time training to be a Paramedic and wasn't about to let a baby derail her plans."

"Cutler said she also thought that if she got rid of the baby that you'd go back to her," Cody remarked.

"Yeah," Matt said with a chuckle. "Like _that_ was gonna happen. Cody, I would have raised the child myself if I had to."

Cody slumped. "Oh, man, Matt. And I accused you of running out on your responsibilities. How can you ever forgive me?"

Matt sat up straight. "I admit, I was hurt when you said that. But, Code, I really needed you to stand by me on this one. With Dad feeling the way he does, I didn't have anyone else to turn to." He turned pleading eyes to his brother.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I promise that won't ever happen again."

Cody pulled Matt into a hug, shocked when his brother started sobbing against his shoulder. They sat that way for several long minutes, Matt grieving the loss of his love, a child that might have been his...and, Cody suspected, still grieving the loss of their Mother.

The brothers stayed on that rock for most of the afternoon. They talked about their mother and father, their plans for the future, and anything else that came up.

/

Matt had just returned from a long ride. He'd received some disturbing news and had needed to get away alone for a while. He only had two days left at Shasta, then he'd be heading for Utah to begin some similar training.

He was brushing down his horse when he heard a noise near the door. He looked up to find his father standing in the doorway. His sense of dread was followed closely by a sense of relief. It has been several weeks since he'd spoken to his father and while he didn't relish the conversation that was to come, he knew that the two of them needed to talk.

"Dad."

"Matthew. Can your old man buy you lunch?" His father was nervous, which surprised Matt and gave him hope that maybe things would be okay.

"Where's Cody?"

"Art is letting him borrow a horse. He wants to explore a bit."

Matt smiled. "He'll probably know the area better in a day, than I do after a month," he joked. "Let me just let Art know I'm going."

Jesse nodded and watched his son walked toward the station. When he returned, they climbed into Matt's truck. Sliding the key into the ignition and starting the vehicle, he turned to his father.

"Where to?" he asked.

"Your choice, son."

Nodding, Matt made a quick turn onto the next street. They drove in silence for the next ten minutes, finally pulling into the parking lot of a small diner that had been a favorite of the Rangers in Shasta since the station opened.

Matt pulled open the door and allowed his father to proceed him inside. Jesse followed Matt to the booth in the back, which was unofficially reserved for the Rangers. It was well after the main lunch rush, so the place was deserted. Matt greeted the owner, who poured them both a cup of coffee and then headed back to the kitchen with their lunch orders. Jesse watched his son stir his coffee, even though he hadn't added milk or sugar to the drink.

They spoke only of surface things, the Rangers, Tahoe, and horses while they ate their meal. Once their plates had been taken away and their coffees refilled, Jesse leaned forward.

"Son, would it help if I apologized?" he said. Matt looked up in surprise. "I am sorry that I took my anger out on you. I was hurt that your Mom didn't want me to know about her illness and I couldn't very well take that anger out on her. And, frankly, I was angry at you as well."

"I know. I'm sorry too...I should have..."

"No," Jesse insisted. "No, you shouldn't have. You were honoring your mother's wishes. I've spent a lot of time over the last few weeks thinking about your mom and you boys. And you were right. We did raise you to keep your promises. And son, I am proud of you. You had to deal with all of that on your own and keep her secret at the same time. I know that couldn't have been easy. You're a strong man to be able to handle that."

Matt smiled. "I'm my father's son."

Jesse smiled and gripped Matt's forearm with his right hand. "I'm also sorry that I wasn't there to help you through her loss. I was so selfish..."

"No," Matt interrupted. "No, Dad, don't say that. I know how much you still loved Mom. You were grieving too."

"Son, I still should have been there for you."

"I wasn't there for you, either."

"After the way I treated you, you had every right to stay away from me. I've never been so ashamed of myself then when I woke up the next morning and realized that I'd actually hit you."

"I gotta admit, that shocked me more than all the anger. You've never hit either me or Cody, except for the occasional spanking."

"I was angry and drunk, a bad combination. I will never forgive myself for hurting you like that."

Matt saw the pain in his father's eyes and knew that his father suffered from that moment almost as much as he had. "I forgive you," he insisted.

Jesse smiled and placed his hand against Matt's cheek. "I can't tell you how much that means to me, Son. Your mother did such a good job raising you. The two of you were always so close."

"Yeah, we were. I wish she was still here. There's so much I need to talk to her about."

"Well, Son, I know I haven't always been there for you growing up, but I'm a good listener. I know I'm not your Mom, so my take on things might be a bit different, but if I can help, you know I will."

Matt glanced away, then took a sip of his coffee.

"Does this have anything to do with Robin, Matt?" His son closed his eyes and Jesse couldn't miss the pain that showed so easily on his boy's face. "Matt, was is it? What's going on?"

"How much do you know?"

"I know that Robin had an affair and that was why you cancelled the wedding. I also know that she terminated the pregnancy," Jesse said, a hint of disapproval in his tone.

"Terminated," Matt commented. "Makes it sound so...clinical. She ended a life. She told me that she didn't want the baby to interfere," he made quotation marks in the air with his fingers, "with her job. That she spent too much time and effort getting where she was to have to put it all on hold for a kid."

"Mothers work and raise children all the time," Jesse insisted.

"I know. I don't think that was the main reason, although I could be wrong."

"She thought not having a baby in the picture would get you back in her life?" At Matt's surprised look, Jesse continued. "Cutler told us about the conversation in the Ranger Station before you left, where she asked you to come back to her," he explained.

Matt nodded, then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I can't tell you how many times I started to come up to the cabin, to talk to you. I wanted you to assure me that I was doing the right thing when I left her. I even thought about calling Mom, only to have the fact that she was dead slam back into my brain. There's so much I need to tell her, so much I..."

Jesse's heart clenched at the pain in his son's voice. He had totally dropped the ball on this one and his son was suffering because of it. But he could see that there was still something that Matt was struggling with. The green eyes were darting around the room, as if searching for something.

"Son..."

"Can we get out of here?" Matt asked, desperately.

"Sure," his father replied, pulling some bills from his pocket and dropping them on the table. Matt nearly ran from the diner and climbed into his truck. Jesse followed, silently climbing into the passenger seat. Neither of them spoke as Matt drove up into the hills, pulling off onto a fire road and stopping at the top of a hill.

He climbed out and headed through the trees to a small clearing that overlooked a lake below. Jesse followed him, moving to stand next to him, silently letting him know he was there. Several minutes later, Matt pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to his father. "This was part of the mail Cutler had Cody bring up to me."

Curious, Jesse pulled out an official looking document. Checking the letterhead, he saw that it came from a lab in Sacramento. As he read it, his heart sank even further. He glanced at Matt and saw a single tear rolling down his son's face.

"Oh, Matthew. I am so sorry," he said, quietly. "Son, come here." He lifted his arms and wrapped them around his oldest child.

Once in his father's embrace, the tears began to flow unencumbered. Matt sank to his knees, his father following him to the ground. Jesse tightened his hold when he heard his boy whisper, "She killed my baby, Dad." Matt's sobs shook both their bodies, as the younger man grieved for the child he would never know.

Jesse held his boy and vowed to never let anything get between himself and his sons again.

/

**_/_**

"...heading to Park City, Utah day after tomorrow. Art says there are five more Ranger units that want the training. After that, I don't know what I'll do."

Matt was sitting with his father and brother, having dinner and talking about his plans. Cody begged him to return to Tahoe with them.

"I already agreed to do this Cody. I'm not gonna let Art down. I have an obligation."

"But we'll never see you," Cody said, trying not to whine. Jesse and Matt exchanged grins. Then Cody's eyes got wide. "You are coming back to Tahoe, right? Matt, you have to come back."

Matt looked away. "I don't know, Cody. To see you and Dad, yes. As far as the Rangers go, I just don't know."

"They all miss you, ya know."

"All of them?" Matt asked, unconvinced.

"Yeah, even Hart. Although I'd understand if you just want to deck him," Cody insisted, with a frown.

"Cody!"

"What?! He was the worst kind of friend."

"Actually," Matt suggested, "he did do me a favor, in a way."

"A favor? How do you figure that, Matthew?" Jesse inquired, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Well, he did show me what kind of woman Robin is. And thankfully, before we actually got married. I'm kinda grateful for that."

Jesse nodded, but didn't say anything. His son had a point, although Jesse and Matt both knew that wasn't Hart's intention.

"I hate her, you know," Cody said. "I hate what she did to you. And what she did to my nephew. It was wrong. I hope she ends up a bitter, lonely old woman."

"Cody," his father admonished. He wasn't real happy with Robin either, but he wouldn't wish unhappiness on her.

"Don't tell me you haven't missed sleep over the last few days, wondering what your first grandchild would have been like!"

"I don't deny that, son. But what's done, is done. Robin has her priorities all skewed. I hope this was a lesson to her."

"Lesson being, if you don't want kids, don't have sex. Or at least use protection."

Matt laughed and tried to ignore the glare his father sent his way. "Oh, Toad, I sure missed you, little brother. You have a unique way of looking at things."

"I aim to please," Cody said, smiling. "And I wish you would remember, it's Ace not Toad."

"You'll always be Toad. And someday, I'll meet the right woman, and it'll be Uncle Toad."

Cody grimaced, then brightened at the idea of being an uncle. "I can't wait!"

Jesse smiled. "Neither can I."

They finished their dinner and headed back to the hotel. Matt would be staying with them for a couple of days. His training was over at the Mt Shasta Ranger Station and he'd be heading out soon. Jesse and Cody decided to stay until it was time for him to leave, giving them some time to spend together.

Two days later, Cody and Jesse loaded up Matt's horse while Matt said his goodbyes to the Rangers. They joined him on the porch when they finished.

"Jesse, you sure did a good job with your two boys. Matt's training has been an immense help."

"He is one of the best Rangers I've ever seen, Art. And that's saying a lot considering I trained you and Pat Michaels. I'm extremely proud of him."

Matt soaked up the praise from his father, but commented. "You should see Cody in the mountains. He's better than all of us put together."

"You gonna join the Rangers too, Cody?" one of the Gordon's team asked.

"It _is _the family business," the youngest Hawkes replied. "I figure Matt and I will co-command the Tahoe Station someday."

"I could deal with that," Matt said, wrapping an arm around his brother's shoulder.

"Lord, help us all," Gordon joked. Everyone laughed, then Gordon stuck out his hand. "Matt. Thanks. Your training was great. I even learned a few things. I know the other units will find it just as helpful. It's always nice to get a refresher course when we can."

"Just make sure that Harper over there keeps getting out. She's got a real instinct for tracking. She'll be your station trainer in the future, I'd bet."

The others all turned to look at the diminutive woman, whose blush couldn't be easily seen under her dark skin. But the smile on her face spoke volumes. "Thanks, Matt," she said quietly.

After saying their farewells, Jesse and Cody headed for their truck, while Matt followed behind them. They all stopped near the front grill.

"As much as I was nervous to see both of you here," Matt said, "I am glad you came. I was afraid that neither of you would ever be able to forgive me."

"Son, you did nothing that needed forgiveness. I was always the one to blame. I'm just glad that you were able to give your old man a break and let me apologize."

"Me too," Cody said.

"I love you guys," Matt told them.

"Come here." Jesse wrapped his arms round Matt and relished the tightening of his boy's arms around his back. After a minute they both heard Cody clearing his throat.

"Can I get one of those too, big brother?" he asked shyly.

"Anytime Toad, anytime," Matt replied as he grabbed his brother around the waist and lifted him off the ground. Cody nearly strangled the elder Hawkes sibling, not wanting to let go of him. "You're giving me every reason to come home, Cody. Even if I don't go back to the Rangers, I will come back to Tahoe."

"Soon?"

Matt sighed, but didn't answer his question. "I will keep in touch, I promise."

"Postcards? Letters?"

"Even better." Matt walked over to his truck and opened the door, reaching in to snatch something from the front seat, then moving back over in front of Cody. Reaching for his brother's hand, he pressed something into it. Cody looked down.

"A cell phone?" he asked.

"Make sure you keep it charged up and keep it with you whenever you can. I'll call you at least once a week."

Cody smiled. They didn't have a phone at the cabin and this way he wouldn't have to depend on the Rangers to give him messages, he'd be able to talk to Matt himself. And he didn't think he'd have any trouble getting permission from his father to run the generator whenever he needed to charge it.

"I love you, Matt," he said, once again wrapping his arms around his brother.

"Love you too, Toad."

It was hard parting ways, but Matt had a job to do. And although Jesse and Cody would miss him being around all the time, they were both assured he would return home. And they'd all made their peace, so at least they knew he'd keep in contact.

The two trucks pulled up at the end of the driveway, and with one last wave, drove off in opposite directions.


	10. Chapter 10

**_EPILOGUE_**

The rusted old pickup drifted to a stop at the bottom of the long driveway. The passenger door opened and a man stepped out. He was tall and muscular, and his beard was a shade darker than his light colored hair, which reached his shoulders. He reached back in and pulled a large backpack from the rear seat, dropping it on the ground behind him.

Turning back to the vehicle, he held out a hand.

"I appreciate the ride," he said.

"Anytime, kid. Hope you get the welcome you want," the old man replied, shaking the young man's hand.

"Me too. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas."

He closed the door and watched the pickup drive away. Taking a deep breath, he relished the crisp mountain air, briefly closing his eyes as a smile graced his whiskered face. It had been too long since he'd smelled the pine trees and air of his mountain home. At least, he hoped it was still his home. He sighed. Only one way to find out if he was still welcome here.

Picking up the backpack, he slung it over his shoulders, shrugging to settle it comfortably on his back. He glanced up the hill, catching a glimpse of the building at the top. The smile slipped from his face as he started his trek up.

It took less than ten minutes to finally make his way to the top of the long, curved driveway, his boots crunching on the soft snow beneath his feet. As the building came into view he marveled at the sight.

It was just how he remembered it...a long, low building with a porch across most of the front expanse. The wide area in front was home to multiple vehicles, including several snowmobiles and heavy duty utility vehicles.

The roofline sported icicles hanging down, a result of the midday sun melting a bit of the snow off the roof. No fake icicle lights were needed here, with the sun glistening off the real thing. Through the large front window, he could see a tall Christmas tree, sparkling with multi-colored lights and garland. His breath took a hitch when he heard the music coming from within.

Christmas Carols. He felt the tears well up in his eyes. He wondered if his dad and brother were inside. They usually spent Christmas Eve at the Ranger Station, but since he'd left nearly a year ago, he didn't know if they'd still want to spend time here. He wasn't sure he would, with all the memories.

He glanced over and saw the sign attached to the post on the front porch, just to the left of the steps. The logo of the High Mountain Rangers held an honored spot on the front of the building, showing that this was the home of the Search and Rescue group. A group he'd been a proud member of for several years. A group he hoped to again be a part of...if they'd have him.

He wasn't sure how well he'd be received by the men and women inside. He'd been away for nearly a year with virtually no contact, save a few emails and post cards. When he'd left, he'd just needed to get away from everyone and everything in Tahoe. The hardest to leave had been his brother. But he'd felt that he'd needed a break, if only to keep his sanity. He'd spent six months at other Ranger Stations, training them in how to track.

After that, he decided to take a leave of absence, get away from everything that reminded him of the mountains and the Rangers. But after only three months, he'd found he missed his family and Tahoe too much and decided to head home. He was both anticipating and dreading it.

When he'd first left Tahoe, his brother and father had not been speaking to him. Eventually, they had sought him out, and they'd talked out their problems and made peace. He had promised his brother that he'd keep in touch and he had kept that promise, since most of his calls, emails and postcards had gone to that same brother.

He hadn't mentioned coming home for Christmas, because he hadn't been sure he'd make it in time. And he almost hadn't, being as how it was nearly dinnertime on Christmas Day. He pulled off his gloves, reaching up to scratch the beard that covered his jaw, and wondering if anyone would even recognize him.

He glanced up once again and heard the song change. How appropriate, he thought. 'I'll Be Home For Christmas'. He took a deep breath and started up the steps, crossing the porch to reach the main doors, his stomach fluttering with nerves, at the mere thought of rejection from the people within.

He quietly pushed open the door and slid his backpack to the floor. He stuffed his gloves in the pocket of his jacket and unzipped it, shrugging it off his shoulders and dropping it on the backpack. No one had noticed his entrance and he took the moment to observe his family and friends. His brother.

On the other side of the room, Cody Hawkes sat on the sofa...there, but not really participating. He watched the others singing, enjoying the day, and wondered what they had to be so happy about. He just wasn't in the mood to celebrate the holiday, especially since he hadn't gotten the only gift he really wanted for Christmas. His big brother back home. Matt hadn't even called to wish him and his father a Merry Christmas.

It had been a rough year for Cody. Only sixteen and his world had changed so drastically. His brother gone after so much tragedy. His mother gone, having died early in this horrible year. His father, the rock of his life, quieter than ever, still grieving the woman he'd never stopped loving. He wondered what anyone had to be happy about.

He rubbed the back of his neck, getting the distinct impression of being watched. Turning around, he noticed a tall, bearded man standing by the door. Something about him looked familiar, but it wasn't until he met his eyes that he knew.

Slowly, he stood, never taking his eyes from the man. He walked toward him, oblivious to everything else, not even noticing when the music stopped. The others had seen him stand and move toward the door, only then noticing the man standing there.

Cody moved to within a foot of their new visitor, only staring at first, not quite believing his eyes. Then he reached up, placing his hand on the side of the man's face, his hand touching the soft beard and warm skin underneath, needing to know he was real. Their eyes met, green versus blue, each looking into the soul of the other.

"It's really you," he whispered. "You made it."

"Hey, Toad. Merry Christmas." Matt answered, just as quietly. Nothing else existed at that moment but the two brothers.

Cody didn't respond verbally, instead he wrapped his arms around Matt's neck and pulled him close. Matt's arms wrapped around Cody's back, holding on just as tightly. The others in the room weren't sure at first who the man was, until Cody hugged him.

Jesse Hawkes came into the room from the kitchen, drawn by the silence. He saw the others staring at something by the door and looked over. Cody had his arms around someone. Could it be?

"Mathew?" Jesse gasped. He quickly made his way over to where his sons embraced. "Mathew."

Matt looked up. "Hey, Dad."

Jesse hesitated, not wanting to intrude, as felt tears of relief sweep through him. Like Cody, he'd been upset that Matt hadn't called that day, and hoped that nothing had happened to his son.

Matt released one arm from around Cody and pulled his father into a three-way hug. They stood that way for a full minute, each relishing the presence of the others, not wanting to let go for fear of waking up from a dream.

Then Jim Cutler, guitar in hand, started in on a rendition of 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas." The others joined in, smiling, happy for the return of their friend.

The Hawkes' men finally joined them, Jesse and Cody flanking Matt, each with an arm around him, wanting to keep contact, as they lent their voices to the song. Then Cutler put down his guitar and moved over in front of Matt.

"Welcome home, buddy," he said with a husky voice, emotions overcoming him. He hugged the man he'd known since high school, so glad to see him back on the mountain where he belonged. His overture gave silent permission for the others. Frank and Izzy both hugged Matt and welcomed him back.

Matt felt a huge sense of relief. No matter what happened now, he knew his friends and family forgave him for leaving. Then he looked over in the corner where his eyes found Robin, standing next to Tim Hart, their arms around the other. Matt wasn't sure how he felt about that.

She kept his gaze for a few long seconds, then let her eyes drop. After another moment she approached her former fiancée stopping a couple of feet away.

"How are you, Matt?"

"Just fine. You?"

"I'm good." She nervously bit her lip. "I...I am sorry..."

Matt placed a finger on her lips. "Don't apologize. It's in the past. We can only go forward now."

"I never meant to hurt you."

"I know. I long ago forgave you." He looked over at Tim, standing nervously next to the fireplace.

"Hey, Tim."

"Ma..." Tim cleared his throat. "Matt. Welcome back."

"Thanks. So, am I to assume that you and Robin are together?" he asked. When Tim nodded, Matt replied. "I'm happy for both of you."

Tim relaxed as Robin moved back into his arms. After that, everyone settled down. Cutler introduced Matt to the two new rookies, who had never met Matt Hawkes, and had been wondering who this scruffy-faced mountain man was. They were shocked that this long-haired, bearded man, was the clean cut former Commander in the photos they'd seen.

The others had spoken of the former Commander like he was a ghost who had once lived here, but who had disappeared without a trace. And now he was back, the prodigal son. It would certainly be an interesting New Year.

"So, Matt, where have you been?" Cutler asked. "Cody has sorta kept us up to date with stuff, but it's been almost a year."

Matt didn't reply, just moved to settle onto one of the long sofas in front of the fireplace. Jim handed him a cup of coffee and smiled at him, settling into the sofa across from him, as Cody and Jesse moved to sit on either side of Matt, not yet willing to give him up. They both were going to be selfish and hog Matt for as long as they could.

"Izzy didn't make this, did he?" Matt jokes, winking at the tall man from Idaho.

"As a matter of fact, I did," Izzy said. "And I think you'll find it's pretty damn good."

With the lift of a skeptical eyebrow, Matt sampled the hot drink, surprised that it was in fact pretty tasty. "Not bad, Pocatello Kid. You've been taking lessons."

"Yep, from Cody."

"Cody?" Matt asked, glancing at his little brother. "Well, I guess you did learn something from Mom after all." The mention of Jackie caused Jesse to gasp. Matt looked over and could see his father rapidly blinking, willing the tears away.

Jesse looked up and could clearly see the concern and guilt in his son's eyes. And the regret.

"Sorry, son...The holidays," he said. He couldn't say more, but he didn't need to. Matt understood, because he was feeling the same way.

"I still miss her too. And I know how much you still love Mom. And what I did..."

"No," Jesse interrupted. "You did exactly what you needed to do. You were trying to make things easier on your Mother. I know that now. I love you, boy. And I'm sorry it took so long for me to remember that. I'm just so glad you're home."

Matt sighed. "I'm sorry. I never meant to be gone so long or to make it so hard on everyone."

Jesse put his hand on his son's shoulder. "No apology necessary, son. You did what you had to do. No one is blaming you for that. This past year was a horrendous year for you and you stayed strong for everyone around you. But I can see you found some peace, it shows in your eyes."

Matt smiled. Nodding, he replied, "Yeah. I was able to find some peace away from here. And now, I'm back to make sure it's a lasting peace that I can live with."

"Does that mean you won't leave again?" Cody asked, hopefully.

"It means, that I think I've finally come to terms with everything that happened and I think I can finally get on with my life."

"And just in time too," Tim Hart said. "Cuz we are in desperate need of a Commander."

Matt looked up, uncertainty spreading across his face. "I thought you had a Commander. What happened to Pat Michaels?"

"He came in and tried to change the way we do everything!" Robin cried. "And some of his changes just didn't work, but he wouldn't listen to us when we tried to tell him."

"Where is he?" Matt asked.

"He went back to Mt Shasta, thank the Spirits," Frank commented. "He just didn't fit in here, Matt."

"Now, boys, some of his ideas were good ones. After all, I did train him," Jesse said, not wanting this to become another bitch session about their former, temporary, Commander.

"Yeah, some," Cutler conceded. "But still, it will be nice to have a Hawkes back in charge." He looked at Matt. "You are coming back, aren't you, buddy?"

"I don't know..." Matt began.

Avila dropped to his knees. "Please, Matt. We need you back. I am not above begging if I have to."

"Guys, I don't know if Gordon will allow me to take command again."

The others smiled and glanced at Hart, who had been the interim Commander just after Matt left, and was again since Pat Michaels had returned to Shasta.

"Tim?"

"Actually, Matt, I've already talked to Art Gordon. And told him that if and when you decided to return, if he didn't let you take back over command that he would lose every Ranger at this station."

"You what?"

"He did give me a time limit. He said that if you returned by the first of the year, that he'd reinstate you."

"Of course you sure cut it close," Izzy muttered.

Matt looked around at the other Rangers, then at his father, and finally at Cody. "You all knew about this?"

"It was actually Dad's idea, Matt," Cody insisted.

Matt turned his head. Jesse shrugged. "Hell, boy, I learned a little something when I ran this joint. And I still have some pull with the Regional Commander."

Everyone laughed.

"I'm starving," Cody said. "When do we eat?" They all smiled. Cody with an appetite...they knew that things were finally returning to normal. They all moved into the dining room and settled around the table to eat and listen to tales of Matt's travels.

/

Later that night, everyone had gone to bed except for Matt and Cody. They sat together on the sofa, watching the snow fall outside. Matt wrapped his arms around his younger brother and pulled him close.

"I'm glad you're back, Matt. I missed you."

"I've missed you too, Toad. I'm sorry I was gone so long."

"Like Dad said, you did what you had to do. But next time, I'm gonna stow away."

"There won't be a next time, Cody."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

Satisfied Cody settled back against his brother, his sleepy head falling back on Matt's shoulder.

And that's how Jesse found them when he came downstairs at two in the morning. He'd woken up and found that Cody hadn't come to bed. Not unusual for the boy, who'd had a hard time sleeping for more than a couple of hours at a time ever since Matt had done his disappearing act.

Matt!

Jesse got up and slid his jeans on. Wrapping a blanket around his shoulders, he moved to Matt's old room. He opened the door and peaked in. The bed hadn't been slept in. His shoulders slumped. Had it all been a dream?

Depressed, he headed down the stairs. He figured he'd find Cody camped out on the sofa, staring into the fire. As he got to the foot of the stairs, that's exactly where he found his youngest son. But he smiled at the picture.

Yes, there was Cody...sleeping quietly in the arms of this big brother. So, it had been a dream...or rather...a dream come true. Jesse sat on the sofa opposite his boys and just watched them sleep. For over an hour, he just watched them.

Then he got up, picked up the Indian blanket that hung over the back of his sofa, and laid it out over his sons. He leaned down and kissed each boy on the forehead, taking a few extra moments to run his hands through Matt's now shoulder length hair.

"Welcome home, Son," he whispered. "Merry Christmas."

He checked the fire and then headed back upstairs, turning at the foot of the stairs to get another glimpse of his two boys, finally back together again.

Yes, it was a very Merry Christmas.

THE END


End file.
